Sunday, September 11, 2011

the budgetary solution

I've spent a lot of time over the past few months listening to various people complain about our national debt, and the "unsustainable" obligations we're imposing on our children; as if forcing our children to tax themselves at rates far in excess of 50% to pay for my vacation as an old man is somehow a bad idea. I've written about this before, and I am still of the opinion that if they're getting spaceships and flying cars, they can afford to let me wile away my golden years eating frosties and watching reruns of Seinfeld.

Regardless, that opinion doesn't seem to be "popular" with people who believe in "fulfilling our obligations", and "not going bankrupt and destroying the dream of a perpetual free democratic society for the rest of the world".

So, in my infinite wisdom, I have prepared a platform for solving the budgetary crisis in one fail swoop.1 I trust the "special commission" set up by Congress to "resolve" the budgetary crisis, whose probability of success approaches the probability that irradiated rabid squirrels break into my house and dance DDR in the living room tonight, will pay special attention to my plan.

While I appreciate tax increases are anathema to anyone living in a magical fantasyland where we get everything for free and curtailing benefits for highly-voting old people isn't political suicide, I think the following taxes will enjoy broad, bipartisan support:

  1. $25 for use of the word "epic". Fine increased 10x when followed by the word "fail".
  2. $50 for every email in which an individual hits reply-all to a group of ten or more people, with the penalty doubling for every infraction, and septupling if the sole purpose of the offending message was to request everyone else stop replying-all. One exemption for when all of the recipients are immediate family members.2
  3. $110 for use of the phrase, "I'm kind of a big deal".
  4. $125 for taking pictures of yourself in any of the following poses: holding up a leaning tower, imitating a statue, next to any palace guard, or mid-air while jumping.
  5. $150 for waving someone else through a stop sign when it is clearly your right of way, and no, you are not "being nice"; you are causing major confusion to everyone in the world who now never knows whether to obey traffic laws or guess at the magnanimity of other drivers.
  6. $300 for replacing the word "you" with "u" in any electronic communication where the user either has access to a keyboard or a smartphone. Similar fees applied to "ur",3 "cuz", and any substitution of numbers for words.
  7. $1650 for every time a shampoo manufacturer refuses to give me a manly option, forcing me to choose between Suave,4 Pert,5 Fructis,6 Head and Shoulders,7 or Axe.8

These taxes, plus the discontinuation of Medicare, Medicaid, Social Security, Education, road construction, and the White House Easter Egg Roll, will, taken together, resolve the current budgetary crisis.

You're welcome.

1. How old was I until I learned the actual phrase is fell swoop? Oh, right, 29. When did I learn that? Oh, right, four months ago. How did I learn that? Oh right, when everyone at work laughed me to scorn. Note to self: ensure you can actually say a common phrase correctly before following in your mother's footsteps and, for example, requesting someone give you his or her "John Henry".

2. Also known as the "Mormon exemption", or the "saving Chris Perry from falling afoul of this rule every week exemption", or the exemption that my family members would all vehemently oppose in order to be spared seeing my inane replies.

3. I have never been able to see that word without thinking of the ancient city-state of Ur, and I have never been able to think of Ur without thinking of Mr. Felt's High School history class and his horrendously awesome "Zig, you rat!" bit teaching us about ancient temples. And this is why, whenever you say "ur" to me, the lone, sole response I can give under any circumstances is to discuss Ziggurats and their place in ancient society. Genius or nerd or Autistic? You decide.

4. Seriously? Suave? Can you invent a sissier word please?

5. Oh wait, you just did. I don't know how, but you managed to come up with a shampoo name sissier than Suave. Congratulations.

6. Who are you people? Do you think I can walk through a checkout line carrying something called Fructis? Are you on crack cocaine? Have you no idea how demoralizing that is?

7. Why don't I just scream to everyone in the store that I have bad breath and BO at the same time?

8. Given their advertising, tantamount to buying porn.


Bryce said...

Reminded me of this cracked contest. :-D

chris said...


Melody said...

I, too, have never forgotten "Zig, you rat!"

Although, nurse at heart, whenever I see someone type "ur" I don't hear "your" in my head, I hear the phonetic "yur" which inexplicably yet unfailingly draws my mind to the phonetic "yurin." Which is gross, but that's kind of how being a nurse goes. Type "ur" and I automatically visualize a urine sample. I am detailing this to illustrate that I believe your situtation could be worse. Launching into a zigguratic conversation is likely more socially acceptable than thinking about the urine sample your patient left last night, and then remembering the bizarre things they said/did/had tattooed in illogical places, and talking about that instead. So there you go, ur welcome.

Michelle Glauser said...

Here's another one for the Felt ziggurat teaching method.

I think you should add using "taking for granite" instead of "granted" to your list.