Saturday, September 17, 2011

lasik

Lasik is a procedure recommended by nerds worldwide to make those requiring vision correction, or, nerds, appear to be normal through synthetic means.

The procedure is quick and painless.

In preparation, you are given some eyedrops, and instructed to administer them once every four hours, or, until your eyes freeze over, as their temperature approximates that of the surface of Pluto. Never mind that I'd prefer to get punched in the face repeatedly rather than pour liquid nitrogen in my eyes, this step is absolutely required to prepare you for the joy that follows.

When you arrive to perform the procedure, no fewer than three individuals will ask you the name of the mystery drops you were given beforehand. Nobody will tell you why they can't tell you what kind of drops you were asked to take, they will all assume you are an idiot for not memorizing the name Oxfloxacin Ophthalmic Solution, USP 0.3%.1

After the traditional eye exam, complete with the usual rigamarole of a "doctor" presenting you with a series of lenses of the same magnification, all the while laughing at your complete indecisiveness,2 fully aware that you are wetting your pants about getting the right answer because if you don't, you're going to be lazed with the wrong prescription for the rest of your life, but also with complete awareness that the little hot-air balloon peep-hole machine already read your prescription to perfect accuracy, and the little 1-2 test is for his or her entertainment only, you are then asked if you would like to be a man, or if you would like to take sissy Valium.

You are then shown pictures of muscle-bound men leaving the operating table on their own accord, alongside lesser physical beings, approximating Chris Perry in their muscular appearance, groggily getting up and mumbling incomprehensibles to their rides home.

Now, I learned something during my Lasik procedure the other day, and this is a very important lesson, and I want all of you to remember this lesson for the rest of your days: if someone offers you Valium, there is but one word you need to respond with, and that word is yes. Remember that. Practice it. Valium? Yes. Valium? Yes. Valium? Yes.

You may be tempted to say no, because you may think that you are above average in your ability to endure discomfort, or you may possibly be on some misguided attempt to not weaken yourself through painkillers,3 but let me assure you that when you're on that table, and she puts cotton in your ears because "you're going to receive an excessive amount of eyedrops",4 and they start up the liquid nitrogen dispenser, you're going to want Valium.

When they use the metal tweezers from hell to pry your eyes open, you're going to want Valium. And when they roll you back underneath a laser and put a big suction cup on your eyes to suction and cut it, causing you to lose eyesight in that eye, you're going to want Valium. And when they need to suction your right eye THREE TIMES because the tech keeps screwing up, and the doctor is chiding people for their incompetence RIGHT BEFORE LASERS ARE GOING TO BURN YOU, you're going to want Valium.

And when you watch the doctor flap open your eye, you're going to want Valium. And when he starts lasering your eye, and you take a breath and you inhale your burning cornea, and oh my goodness that's the worst smell ever ever ever and I wish I would have thought to breathe before the laser started but it's already going and I need to breathe again and gahhhhh that smell, and gahhhhh my burning flesh, let me emphatically state: you're going to want Valium.

No, but seriously folks, there's nothing quite like going 23 years and suddenly being able to see without correction. Of course, as my good friend Sarah told me, there are two downsides: 1) You are suddenly much more concerned about the cleanliness of your shower, and 2) You no longer get free time in the morning without sight and without any worldly cares. I would add a third, and much more unsettling downside, which is related to your bathroom habits and the success one feels at being able to accomplish certain tasks without the aide of vision.

I am speaking about shaving and combing one's hair, of course.

But seriously seriously folks, Lasik is awesome. It is miraculous. I am grateful.

1. I just looked.
2. 1...no, 2! No, 1! No, I don't know!!
3. I have an irrational distaste of painkillers, mainly because I have never really experienced pain that requires painkillers.
4. YOUR EARS PEOPLE. YOUR EARS. THEY POUR ENOUGH EYEDROPS TO INUNDATE YOUR EARS. YOUR EARS.

1 comment:

Jess said...

YES...you had me laughing out loud. Well done and I should have told you beforehand to yes, you must always say yes to the joy of drugs. (I would know)