Monday, September 5, 2011

really setting the record straight

Gentlemen and gentlewomen of the jury, dulce et decorum est pro patria juri, thank you for answering a governmental summons that forces you out of your homes and away from your loved ones to answer meaningful disputes such as the one that the plaintiff, Jeremiah, is now pursuing in the public domain.

Let me assure you that I, the defendant, have carped the diem and done everything in my power to bring this disagreement to a peaceful settlement outside of a court of law, but, given recent events, my hand has been forced, and here I am to convey to you events how they actually transpired, only proclaiming de factos without a single caveat emptor.

Let it be noted that on the afternoon of March 21st, 1986, or at any point ipso or post facto circa that date, one Jeremiah returned home from his schooling. Let it be noted that, post hoc ergo propter hoc, he had learned about the state of one Mississippi.

On that day, Jeremiah produced a sketch of one "Mrs. Zippy". Said sketch was not on white paper; said sketch was on blue paper. Said sketch did not have four physical eyes as has been alleged, said sketch had two eyes, plus glasses, which condition was colloquially known as having 'four eyes' by the inhabitants of Utah at that time, and which expression Jeremiah would have been intimately acquainted with.

Said sketch was being drawn as one Chris walked into the room to inquire as to the activities of his brother. Said encounter took place on the Southwest corner of the big round table, which table now carries a scar from when one Marie left some chemicals on top of said round table, and said chemicals ate into the tabletop and said Marie was grounded even though I believe said Chris was the one who rested the chemicals on said table, and was too sissy to have said that at said time.

Upon producing the sketch of one "Mrs. Zippy", Jeremiah unveiled the dramatis parsonæ to Chris, and proclaimed it to be Mrs. Zippy, and, as an explanation, declared she had four eyes. He continued to inform Chris that he was made aware of the persona non grata that day in school as part of a lesson.

Now, gentlepeople of the jury, I cannot recall if, in future days, the poor child Chris, now a victim of his brother's misunderstanding, would have imparted this nugget of wisdom to others quid pro quo, but, I can, your honors, tell you with absolute one hundred percent certainty that said Chris was unimaginably confused by his brother's antics that day, and why he carried an obsession with a strangely-named woman with four eyes.

Those are the facts, ceteris paribus, et cetera, ex nihilo, per se, per diem, and per my memory.

Semper yours,

Chris

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