Sunday, October 30, 2011


Android is a mobile phone operating system (OS) for highly-advanced smart phones. It is maintained by Google, and competes with iOS, Blackberry OS, Windows OS, and oh, wait, just kidding about those last two, but you probably aren't reading the rest of this paragraph because you're on the floor laughing at the mere mention of platforms whose entire distribution equals the population of Gunnison, UT.,1 on county fair days.2

I've used Android devices for the past two years, so I am uniquely qualified to discuss them with you today.

One thing I love about Android devices is their lack of a simplistic, modern, droolingly-gorgeous form factor. People often think that having a rectangular device with all of the beauty of Venus de Milo, and yet, more ability to do things is a major downside in purchasing a phone, which is why Android phones are great ideas.

Android is a great OS, because it lets you install third party applications (apps) on your phone. Even nicer, the phone will keep track of what apps you have installed, then give you helpful notifications when those apps have updates to download.

This is, of course, true, unless it's not true, in which case the phone will forget what apps you have installed, and just never tell you anything. Don't worry, the apps are still installed and running on the phone, you just have to uninstall then reinstall the app if you ever want to update it ever, which is totally and completely fine, because this is not a huge pain in the neck.

Android makes this whole process fun and enjoyable, and you do not find yourself cursing the day with every keystroke, wishing you had just gotten the lousy iPhone your friends are carrying around in cases that look like cassette tapes.3

All of this functionality unfortunately requires lots of power. Lucky for you, Android phones come complete with amazing batteries, which, depending on your model of phone, might last you somewhere in the neighborhood of maybe an hour or two if you're lucky, and less if you actually need your phone. You too should buy an Android phone, and then you can experience the pleasure that is turning off your data connection in order to make it through more than a day with an electronic device with more functionality than a dead brick.

Android also ships with a great navigational system, in which the voice of a dead female zombie yells you through turn-by-turn directions to your destination. Given the power consumption of accurate GPS tracking, this works really well when you're driving a block or two, less well when you are road-tripping, and even less well when you are road-tripping to distant locations and your car power adapter you purchased from China for a dollar suddenly burns out somewhere in Nevada. Let's hope you memorized those directions!

Android is a great choice for people who love the simplicity of a broken toaster packaged up in a device that looks like a rotten banana. I highly recommend you purchase one immediately. Mine, for example.

1. I have some pretty great cousins from Gunnison, and I so rarely give them shout-outs. Go Gunnison! Also, I'm still trying to forgive you for that time you took me to the G "pile of dust" rock and the fly landed on my sandwich and I wanted to puke because flies in Gunnison go places I'm pretty sure no city fly would ever dream of. But I will forgive. Eventually.
2. A good friend of mine works on webOS, which I refuse to insult in any way, given how I still feel terrible for missing her birthday dinner. Therefore: webOS is, of course, the obvious best platform among all platforms.
3. My coworker has one of these. Seriously, that's probably the best reason I've ever heard of to buy an iPhone. It's freaking awesome.


Unknown said...

I agree with you on most of these points, but I have to say I actually like my second android phone--the Nexus S.

In comparison to every other stupid Android phone, it doesn't have a "custom user interface", which means some 5 year old decided what all of the buttons on your home screen do. Also, it has the added feature of allowing you to create a magical WiFi hotspot while driving across the country, and thereby surf the internet while your wife is driving.

My old android phone, the prehistorical dinosaur known as the G1, had wonderful battery life, as you discuss. After the battery wouldn't last more than two hours of use, or 1 minute of GPS time, I bought a second battery on Amazon from a great chinese battery maker. This new battery was great, because it lasted even less time than the worn out original battery, so I could carry a second battery with me at all times for when I wanted to check my email or do something else that an iPhone user could do all day.

Another great advantage of Android is that you can "root" your phone. This means you install an even more unstable version of the operating system that doesn't really work with your phone. The great thing about rooting is that after you do it, there's no going back, so your phone becomes a brick that your wife can constantly make fun of you for...

brittney perry said...

I mean. I was there, so you know, but I laughed.