Monday, October 17, 2011

definitions

There are a lot of little things in the world that don't really merit their own complete posting on The Complete Guide to Everything; either due to lack of humor, or just general lack of material. Let's knock off a few of those now and take you through some definitions.

blind spot

The area to the immediate rear left or rear right1 of a car you are following in which most experts recommend you drive. This is because people have an innate love of being followed by strangers at night, and being unable to see them in order to appropriately express their sincere feelings they are struggling to maintain within themselves without the use of other sincere gestures.

casual carpool

A system organized through a plethora of piñat...online utilities wherein complete strangers commute via ride shares. Also known as That Thing Chris Perry Wants to Sign up to Drive, and Then Show Up Dressed as Darth Vader Blasting the Imperial March, Occasionally Shouting Out Quotes Like "I HAVE YOU NOW", or "I AM YOUR FATHER".

museums

Wonderful places to look at art, as long as you like standing in lines, being touched by strangers, and reading illegible scribblings on the walls. Oh wait, that describes so many other wonderful places. Like prison.

customer service phone numbers

Schemes originally invented by corporate America to humiliate, torture, and destroy the soul of man. Also, a popular mode of suicide by boredom.

you can't win 'em all

A nice fatalistic attitude towards life. Less transcendent and instructive when your coworker immediately replies, "not that you were in any danger of that."

iTunes' shared library feature

A good way to get your co-workers to look at you twice every time they pass you in the hall, secretly wondering what kind of twisted person's music library starts with ABBA, ends with Weezer, and includes songs like "So Long and Thanks for All the Fish", "Baby's Got Sauce", and "Pennsylvania 6-5000".

thursday

Best day of the week. All of the anticipation of the weekend, and none of the letdown.

millbrae

The worst city on the planet, full of misery, gnashing of teeth, and endless woe, ruled by heinous demons determined to extract five hundred freaking dollars out of anyone who dare have the audacity to gently roll a right hand turn on a red light.

combat boots

Appropriate attire for wearing around your open office while stomping and smelling bad to cause your coworkers to wish you severe and painful physical damage.

siri

A recently-announced virtual personal assistant for the iPhone, designed specifically for that segment of society that never figured out that wearing a bluetooth headpiece makes you look like a bumbling weenie, who have not yet figured out that while it may be "the future", and "magic", it's also "stupid" to be caught shouting instructions at an inanimate object like a crazy person.2

freeways

Places you should all hang out on at 8:30 AM on a Saturday morning, and then call in your best buddies over at Standing Around Drinking Coffee and Scratching Ourselves Road Construction Co. Because there's nothing that makes people happier than spending their entire waking lives refusing to sit in traffic, paying roughly double to spend twice as long on their daily commute in public transit, then finding the one weekend they want to drive somewhere they are greeted by the sight of red lights for miles.

kelly

A great middle name to give your son, if his first name is something incontrovertibly MASCULINE, like Stonehammerthrower, or Huntswithrifles, and not something like, oh, I don't know, Chris, lest his brother insist on telling him he has two girl names for his entire life. This is not helped by the existence of an aunt NAMED CHRIS PERRY.3

1. Must...resist...urge...to...make...rear...jokes. Can't...fight...much...longer...
2. I'm just jealous. I'm stuck with my Nexus SometimesWorks until I can convince my sister to let me weasel out of my promise to not buy another phone for two years.
3. Thanks a lot uncle Roger. Really appreciate you marrying her.

4 comments:

Kimball said...

"touched by strangers". *shudder*

brittney said...

The last museum I went to was the de Young, and it wasn’t so bad. But you are spot on about Millbrae: that BART station has only ever taken me away from where I wanted to be.

I love Thursdays too. Last Thursday was a personal favorite.

chris said...

funny, millbrae bart always seems to take me towards where I want to be.

Rachel said...

I want to be part of that carpool. Don't much care where it is heading.