Wednesday, October 26, 2011

searching for plane tickets

Along with dancing around on the side of a busy road swinging a sign trying to convince people to eat crummy fast food, living in an apartment with a broken fire alarm that taunts and tortures you by blasting your ears every time you turn on the oven, and listening to me at parties, searching for plane tickets online is an activity heavily featured in certain sections of hell.

Searching for the right plane ticket for your upcoming holiday travel plans is easy when you remember these simple items:

If Available, You Must Take the Direct Route

I don't understand you if you don't do this. If there is a direct option, you are obligated by the code of travelers to take that flight. Too expensive? Maybe you should re-think what you're willing to pay to avoid abject misery. When's the last time you were stuck in someone's armpit for a few extra hours? Trust me, it's worth a few hundred dollars to avoid it. Especially if it's my armpit.

You are Not Allowed to Take More than Two Flights

If there aren't any direct flights, you are allowed one, and only one connection. If you can't get there in two flights, sorry, you don't go. Time to move to Chicago or Atlanta or a real city, or maybe it's time to start traveling to places that aren't located in barren nowherelands.1

Satan Runs the Airlines

Just like Santa Claus, he knows when you are sleeping, he knows when you're awake, he knows if you are eying a flight, so be ready for him to double the price and laugh maniacally at you when you're ready to buy the ticket for goodness sake.

Travel Gnomes Run the Search Result Racket

Found your perfect flight? Search again! The travel gnomes have it now! You'll never find it again! Mwahahaha! They're scurrying away in their green lederhosen cackling through their long white beards!

1. Like, seriously, who does that? Who takes three flights? Why are you even showing me three flights? Is this your idea of a funny joke? Did you all get up this morning and decide to torture all of America? I want to fly eight hundred miles, and you show me three flights? I don't get out of bed for three-flight trips.


brittney perry said...

favorite part = for goodness sake. plus, satan/santa... you don't have to do a whole lot of rearranging to see how much those two guys have in common.

chris said...

they do both wear red, and have an uncommon ability to change people's behavior...

Jess said...

Clearly I think Brittney is even cooler now because that section was by far my favorite as well! I'm still laughing! (finally catching up on the posts)