Sunday, November 6, 2011

getting a girlfriend

While enjoyable and enviable in its own right, the state of bachelorhood is not, in game theory terms, a stable equilibrium. Should you find yourself at a point in life where you wish to escape the interminable cycle of frozen burritos and late-night trips to Bob's Donuts,1 let me instruct you on some of the finer points of obtaining yourself a girlfriend; preferably the type who cooks you food, likes your bad poetry (which includes abominations such as lines that rhyme "alone" with "home"2), and will, on the occasions in which you reference historical tragedies such as WWII, reply with a tone devoid of all but the slightest faint hint of sincere mockery, "oohhhh, that was a hard time for you, wasn't it?"

Go for girls with bad taste in men

This is a solid gold rule, never to be broken. When you meet a woman you like, but discover that she dated men you would probably beat with a tetanus-infused bag of rusty nails in a dark alleyway if you ever had the chance,3 don’t be stupid like my younger self and think, oh, she must be stupid because she dated him.

No, my young son, no. This is Great Foolishness. Think, oh, she must be stupid enough to go out with me if she dated him.

Avoid women who have lived their lives in a permanent state of hotness

Under no condition must you ever, ever, ever pursue a woman who has lived her life always hot. This is the shortest pathway to destruction that has ever been paved. Women in that state have the hot girl complex: she knows she is hot, she knows she is out of your league, and she will make you suffer. You will find naught but failure.

No, much better to pursue the women who, much like I thought I was blonde until about three years ago, still think of themselves as their awkward teenaged selves, and haven’t yet clued into the fact that they are now actually drop-dead droolingly gorgeous.

Go for girls who like you

Admittedly, I had never followed this advice in my entire life. And maybe you haven't either. But I strongly recommend it.

There are many many more points I could make; all of them correct, few of them hilarious. However, I feel obligated to make one parenthetical statement on wrapping upon my instructions for the day. Let me just state that it is generally considered a bad idea, when your newly-found girlfriend leaves her computer at your house, to take a picture of yourself "flexing" in front of the camera, and, should you choose to do this, and, should you then realize the badness of this idea, mainly due to the sorrowful state of your flexing, and the fact that you are, in fact, flexing your abs, which are not in a great state on a Saturday morning, and you should not have just spoken of this image/action to a random crowd of individuals which could possibly include your mother, who will most certainly lecture you for this in the future, and, upon realizing the badness of said idea, you decide to delete said picture, let me encourage you with the greatest amount of passion I can muster to EMPTY THE TRASH CAN YOU MORON, lest she discover said picture the very next day while, as horrendous luck would have it, looking through her trash can. This series of events can only end with you entering a very embarrassed state, and answering some very awkward questions.4

1. Okay, lies; you'll actually do this at any point in your life, up to and including the moment you get a girlfriend. You have not lived until you've spent a late night at Bob's.
2. I am an embarrassment to bad poets everywhere. I hang my head in rhythmic shame.
3. I am here requested to state emphatically for the record that my hatred of them is not due to any comments made by any woman; it is solely the natural result of being a very jealous man.
4. It was, for the record, originally intended as a joke. I often have ideas for bad jokes; most of the time I am able to filter those ideas before they become reality.


Unknown said...

Wow Chris, this is one of my favorite "guides" ever. Also, congrats on your new relationship...

Josh Bingham said...

Good stuff Chris! And GRATS on the relationship.

Jess said...

Wow, Britt really let you post this?? Haha! Nice.

LRH said...

this news warms my heart. Yay for CP!