Thursday, December 8, 2011

getting in shape

A lot of people I know are trying to get in shape and look better. Well, I have a tried-and-true plan of accomplishing your life's dream of not looking like a skinny sissy boy.1

First of all, gain weight. Maybe put on fifteen pounds. Do this over the course of a year or two, all while thinking you are one of those people that "never gain weight".

Next, convince yourself you did this on purpose. Right? You tried to gain weight once. This was in high school, when, after failing to do so, you still convinced yourself you were large and walked around in "muscle" t-shirts with images of fish you colored yourself.2 This obviously means you gained weight ten years later on purpose.

Since you're already being successful gaining weight, continue to gain more weight. You've gotten pretty good at self-deception, so, performing what can only be referred to as a miracle, convince yourself that you are gaining muscle, because, aside from putting down three thousand calories a day, you avoid running like the plague, and occasionally go to the gym and lightly sweat as you bench thirty-five pounds.

Speaking of thirty-five pounds, gain that. Once you're at your peak, convince yourself that you are actually "in shape", and not "a rolly pork chop", and when your doctor tells you to lose weight, or your sister tries to set you up with a larger woman because "you're not that skinny yourself", be convinced they don't know what they're talking about.

Then go to grad school, and later, incur vast amounts of stress in your life by moving around the world a few times, and lose it all.3

Since I feel like I'm being a little too hypothetical, let me show you a before and after picture (both bearded, of course, as that seems to be the only time I take pictures of myself).

And that, my friends is how to accomplish your life's dream of...oh wait. You're still a sissy boy. Oh well.

1. Seriously. My life's dream. It wasn't until I saw a picture of my great-great grandfather that I realized the futility. What was he like? Tall and skinny. Just like all of us.
2. Fully one hundred percent autobiographical.
3. Which reminds me of the India diet my old roommate and good friend once went on. The India diet consists of living in India for a summer, and being sick the entire time.

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