Thursday, December 1, 2011

how to appropriately respond when someone sends you a link to something verifiably hilarious you have seen before

The wrong way

Oh man, that is hilarious. I can really enjoy this with you and not show you what a weenie I am by telling you how far ahead of the times I am.

The right way

Oh, I saw that four months ago and laughed a lot more then when it was original and sent to me by someone cool, instead of now when someone as dorky as you is trying to recycle old material that you think is funny but is actually really old and lame and has been the subject of at least five memes that I can tell you about because I starred in the videos that I'm going to make you watch right now and did you see my pictures from my latest scuba trip in Bolivia? And there are sub-memes and sub-sub-memes, and there's even a sub-reddit dedicated to the third word of the second sentence of the banner ad on that site. And did you hear about that concert I went to at that venue you've never heard of with that band who formed three days ago and wears plaid and big glasses? No wait, you haven't, because you are boring and you haven't been to a concert since Billy Joel in the nineties1 and the last time you heard of something before me was in early nineteen eighty-two before I was born because I am also younger than you and wait I have Vespa and I wear plaid too and my gym is better than yours because it manages a non-Starbucks coffee shop that I go to every morning and pay with my smart phone for espressos whose beans were hand-picked by Incan llamas working in sustainable conditions on reclaimed missile-silo hilltops in Cuba.

Also, you smell like a dead squirrel.

1. One of the more depressing moments of my recent career came three weeks ago, when a co-worker, as part of some research she was conducting, came and asked me about my experience going to concerts. After a very long pause, I was able to recall going to a concert in London last year, which was very very very lucky for myself, or I would have had to confess attending Billy Joel in 1999, I think? I would have lost all respect in her eyes at that point. As it was, I am so far removed from normal that her time was wasted on me, as I can provide you zero valuable insights about the human population.