Saturday, January 7, 2012

the holidays

I love the holidays. The holidays are probably my favorite time of year, right behind Spring, Fall, Summer, any time it's warm and I'm not sitting outside in San Francisco trying to type this post while the fog rolls in and I want to die from the piercing cold that is sucking the life dry from my bones,1 times when I get punched in the face, and times when I really need to pee and the nearest bathroom is somewhere five miles from here and there's this really weird dude standing five feet away from me talking to someone on the phone in a kermit voice.

No, I kid. I kiiid. I love the holidays. Who doesn't love the holidays? I love sappy Christmas music, I love being taught the definition of "lumber" by every single person walking in front of me on the streets of San Francisco, and I especially love the clanging sound I'm subjected to every time I want to go to the store in peace and quiet for the love of everything holy.2

But my favorite part of the holiday season is sitting down in front of a nice old-fashioned Christmas movie, all of which appear to have been made by a society of people who had absolutely no conception of the value of time, and decided, for reasons which are incomprehensible to people who enjoy doing things that don't take centuries to finish, to make them in claymation.

Claymation is the process wherein someone with nothing left to live for spends the rest of his life manipulating clay for a camera, in the hope that he will cause all who watch to go insane with complete bewilderment and weep for the lost productivity of the world and spend the entire film trying to keep from descending into a pit of mindless oblivion baffled as to why someone would do such a thing and HOW MUCH TIME DID YOU WASTE ON THIS AND WHY DO YOU DO THIS??! YOU CAN GET ACTORS TO DO THIS AND IT WILL TAKE YOU FIVE MINUTES AND YOU DON'T NEED TO HUNCH OVER PUDDLES OF CLAY AND MAKE YOURSELF LOOK LIKE AN ALIEN HERMIT CRAZY PERSON.

The other great thing about the holiday season is coming back to reality and finding your gym invaded by the kind of people who should really just give up now instead of wasting everyone's time and flooding exercise equipment in a hopeless and futile pursuit of accomplishing a resolution. If you're not going to be here in February (and you won't be), you can just give up the charade now, folks.

1. Realizing, of course, that about fifty percent of my readers, that is, my brother, live in actual frozen wastelands (Chicago) where you can legitimately freeze instead of just complain about fifty degree weather.
2. Yes, I realize they are clanging those satanic bells of misery for a good cause, but couldn't they wish well with noises that didn't make me want to commit felonies?


brittney perry said...

Scott said...

So I was going to try to pull a "I'm not britt's creepy friend stalking your blog, I'm actually a cool guy, let me prove it by posting this clip:" But it looks like she beat me to it, ugh. Although I will say that my clip doesn't have ads (and is, therefore, better).

chris said...

no worries. the awesomeness of the clip assures your status of non-creepiness (though non-creepster status was previously achieved on the multiple occasions britt referenced your personal awesomeness). sans ads makes it even the better, it's true.