Friday, January 20, 2012

presidential elections

Every four years we get to deal with the grand charade that is watching national leaders go around the country pretending to care about things they have spent their entire lives ignoring; things like "the deficit", "due process", "Iowa", "monogamy", "my fellow Americans", and today, "South Carolina".1

We then get to vote on who we think looks the most attractive, then they spend the next four years playing golf, giving our closest ally the tackiest gift ever, and pretending like our country isn't headed for almost certain financial collapse in the next decade.

This year the race revolves around President "I've spent three months of my presidency golfing" Obama,2 Mitt "I own those golf courses" Romney, Newt "I've cheated on every one of those golf courses" Gingrich, Rick "please google golf courses and not my last name" Santorum, and Ron "a golf course is more likely to win the nomination, but do you think I'm going to give up my national rantbox?" Paul.

I wish you well in your voting decisions, and urge you to consider all of the relevant factors, because your vote counts, especially if you live in a state like California which will vote for secession before it votes for a Republican.

1. I'm sorry South Carolina, but nobody cares about you. The last thing you did that anybody noticed occurred in April of 1861, and that's only because you were backed up by your homeboys North Carolina and Virginia. Also: who the freak designed your flag? The local masonic lodge?
2. I learned this stat from the elevator conversations of the fine employees of Goldman Sachs, the accuracy of which I am completely secure, because, be honest: when has Goldman Sachs lied to anyone? Incidentally, if you are related to me, and your name includes the title of 'my mother', please don't click on that and read anything else. I swear I did not scan through that den of filthy language.

3 comments:

Rachel said...

First of all... I know people say it is important to vote, this is our countries future... but what if I just don't like any of them and would rather Stephen Colbert were our president cause at least then I'd actually pay attention to politics?

Next, I'm now reading far too many overheard conversations.

Marie said...

I love your middle names. too true.

Jess said...

It sounds like President is my new retirement career since I was planning on being a golf bum already...