Monday, February 27, 2012

the vow

The Vow is a heart-warming tale of one young lover and one young former lover as they discover the joys of making the men in the audience keep down bile and check their watch every ten minutes hoping the pain is over. It teaches us the helpful moral of loving the one you...no, choosing the one you...no, loving to choose to lo...no, actually, there weren’t any morals, which is fine by me because if I wanted to get preached to, I’d move back home.1

If there was a moral it was something along the lines of "next time hire a casting director that realizes that Channing Tatum looks more like He-Man than a hipster". I live within spitting distance of San Francisco,2 and let me assure you that no hipster male has that body, much less has any sort of muscle definition on the whole of his body.3 But4 I know all about his body because the director went to great trouble to make sure we saw his booty after he spent the night naked on the couch, and I know all about involuntary convulsions because I then spent the rest of the movie with my face contorted in supreme disgust trying to decide how exactly I would BURN MY COUCH TO THE GROUND if anyone ever slept naked on it.

Can you think of anything more disgusting? I cannot. Maybe burning the couch was in a deleted scene, but seriously dude, if your wife kicks you out to the couch, maybe the problem isn't amnesia, maybe it's because you need to rethink what sort of horrors you are leaving on your living room furniture before you plop down for the night.5

1. Where I’d be preached to by my little brother, of course, and no, I was not in any way referring to my mother.
2. Though in SF they call it peeing distance, because spitting is so yesterday, and the ENTIRE CITY SMELLS LIKE URINE.
3. I'd be less inclined to insult hipsters if I hadn't spent a flight out of SF next to one who physically pushed me off the arm rest I had the audacity to use for less than three minutes, so, I'm sorry, but I hate you all, and please change out of those ridiculous jeans.
4. This pun is intentional.
5. Also, I'd like to thank Britt for letting me steal from her to construct everything that was funny in this post, and no, she did not agree to this beforehand, but thank you honey, welcome to community property!

Sunday, February 19, 2012

startups

Between embarrassing myself publicly on the internets and planning a wedding which will feature a woman who hopefully doesn't mind getting married to the village idiot, one thing I love to do in my spare time is dream up startup ideas.

Thinking of startup ideas is great, because you get all of the fun and glory1 of coming up with the most revolutionary and innovative solutions that have ever been dreamed up in the history of the human condition, with none of the actual effort.

Lately I've come up with the most revolutionary and innovative email experience in the history of mankind. It will work like this: imagine threaded mail conversations, sort of like gmail. Next, imagine chatting tightly integrated, sort of like gmail. Next, imagine keyboard shortcuts, and excellent search, sort of like gmail.

Okay, okay, just imagine gmail. Except, better.2 Because instead of ads at the top of the screen which stay still, think about ads at the top of the screen that move. You see where I'm going with this? That's right, an ad ticker! Magic. Innovative. Revolutionary. Steve Jobs award, here I come.

Also, I'd probably add in features like backgrounds that include sharks, people getting eaten by sharks, maybe spiders on your face, and other gross things, all to discourage me from tabbing back to my mail client and checking my email every thirty seconds like a squirrel hopped up on speed.

My other great idea is to start a site that lets people post funny pictures of themselves and add "funny" commentary, and possibly even include features like letting people post funny pictures of things that aren't themselves, and maybe even, if you ask me really nicely, including the feature wherein everyone on the entire planet can spend the past week beating a horse dead posting and re-posting pictures that tell me what society and your mother thinks you do and make me want to punch myself in the face every time I log in to that site and wonder why in the world I keep coming back and getting sucked in to looking at those things.

I kid, I kid. I don't wonder why I keep coming back. It's because the background doesn't include spiders on my face.

1. Where glory is defined as me spending the entire day thinking I'm brilliant for coming up with an idea that features shipping people mixed dry ingredients that they can buy at stores themselves for a fraction of the cost, taking into account the lack of shipping expense for relatively low-value items, and fun is defined as me getting laughed at to this day by my co-workers to whom I ran and told excitedly of said ridiculousness.
2. It wouldn't, for instance, show you those stupid yellow arrows which try and tell you which email conversations are important and consistently get it wrong: email from my niece including cat pictures? Not important. Bill from my credit card company? REALLY IMPORTANT.

Monday, February 13, 2012

things you should never, under any circumstances, pray for

While you should pray for many things, allow me to urge you to never pray for the following:

To drive less

This is a terrible idea. Let me assure you that you are better off living your life driving, or you might, to imagine up an entirely hypothetical situation with no real-world parallels, be tempted to wish to be able to drive less in your life, and one day return to your truck, and start said truck, and attempt to put said truck into gear, only to find the truck will not go into gear. You might try several different ways of getting the truck into gear. You might mildly curse in the language of your choice.

You might spend the following days begging for rides and walking all over the peninsula in the rain.1

These are just a few of the things that might happen to you, should you wish to drive less.

Patience

Again, a terrible idea. Have you ever been taught patience? Let me assure you that you are better off living your life without praying for it, or you might, to again imagine up an entirely hypothetical situation with no real-world parallels, find yourself spending two hours on a hard chair inside Whole Foods, slurping their free wifi, waiting for a tow truck to show up, and trying your best not to facially punch the hipster who keeps jolting you every time he walks up to get yet another glass of water from the jug next to you.2

Humility

Even more so than all of the previous, and more than any other quality that has ever existed, you should NEVER DESIRE THIS TRAIT EVER EVER EVER. Don't pray for it, don't wish you had it, DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT WANTING IT.

Have you ever been taught humility? You're better off without it, or you might, to dream up a completely ridiculous hypothetical that is so outlandish that I laugh at your insinuation that this might have ever happened to anyone you know, and one that you should never ever think has anything to do with my own life in any way, and one that you SHOULD NEVER MENTION TO ME EVER UNDER PAIN OF DEATH,3 you might be unable to get your truck into gear, you might have it towed, it might be a horrendous inconvenience in your pitiful life, and you might run yourself ragged trying to get it fixed.

And when you call the mechanic that fateful day to check on the progress, well, he might laugh at you. And laugh. And ask you with sincere confusion why you placed the car in neutral with the four-wheel drive lever.4

In unrelated news, I'm selling my truck, because I'm too stupid to own it.5

Also, Brittney, I'm sorry you're marrying an idiot. I can be smrt sometimes, I promise.

1. That would be two hours of walking yesterday, if the hypothetical hiker were counting in this hypothetical situation.
2. I swear he had ten cups of water. What is wrong with people in this world?
3. I am one hundred percent serious. I realize the hypocrisy of blogging this, but consider it exposure therapy.
4. This is the most embarrassed I think I have been in my adult life. I cannot express in words the dread that filled my soul as I went to pick up the car from the mechanic. I inadvertently put my truck in neutral. I then had it towed like an idiot. And then I had to face down a mechanic who, with good reason, thought I was the stupidest person on the planet. The only consolation is there is a very slight, minuscule chance that he actually fixed the car and then made up this story to make me look retarded. The chance of that being true is somewhere around the probability of a meteor crushing me at this moment and sparing me from my severe humiliation, but, I would like to just make sure you all know it still is a very real possibility.
5. My only real worry about putting this story in the public domain is being fired from my job for gross incompetence, and never being able to find employment again due to obvious abject stupidity.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

things you should check for before entering the work bathroom and thinking to yourself "I am the smartest man alive!!" then realizing you didn't actually think that to yourself, you said it in an uncomfortably loud and very distinctly hearable voice

The presence of your coworkers in said bathroom.1

1. In a panic, I checked all of the stalls, desperately thinking of a story I could tell that would make me not sound completely insane to be talking to myself in the bathroom. I considered adding an addendum of sorts so as to explain myself, but realized this would make things worse, as not only would I be talking to myself, I would be explaining to myself as well. Luckily, the coast was clear. I remain, however, the smartest man alive, eccentricities notwithstanding.