Sunday, February 19, 2012


Between embarrassing myself publicly on the internets and planning a wedding which will feature a woman who hopefully doesn't mind getting married to the village idiot, one thing I love to do in my spare time is dream up startup ideas.

Thinking of startup ideas is great, because you get all of the fun and glory1 of coming up with the most revolutionary and innovative solutions that have ever been dreamed up in the history of the human condition, with none of the actual effort.

Lately I've come up with the most revolutionary and innovative email experience in the history of mankind. It will work like this: imagine threaded mail conversations, sort of like gmail. Next, imagine chatting tightly integrated, sort of like gmail. Next, imagine keyboard shortcuts, and excellent search, sort of like gmail.

Okay, okay, just imagine gmail. Except, better.2 Because instead of ads at the top of the screen which stay still, think about ads at the top of the screen that move. You see where I'm going with this? That's right, an ad ticker! Magic. Innovative. Revolutionary. Steve Jobs award, here I come.

Also, I'd probably add in features like backgrounds that include sharks, people getting eaten by sharks, maybe spiders on your face, and other gross things, all to discourage me from tabbing back to my mail client and checking my email every thirty seconds like a squirrel hopped up on speed.

My other great idea is to start a site that lets people post funny pictures of themselves and add "funny" commentary, and possibly even include features like letting people post funny pictures of things that aren't themselves, and maybe even, if you ask me really nicely, including the feature wherein everyone on the entire planet can spend the past week beating a horse dead posting and re-posting pictures that tell me what society and your mother thinks you do and make me want to punch myself in the face every time I log in to that site and wonder why in the world I keep coming back and getting sucked in to looking at those things.

I kid, I kid. I don't wonder why I keep coming back. It's because the background doesn't include spiders on my face.

1. Where glory is defined as me spending the entire day thinking I'm brilliant for coming up with an idea that features shipping people mixed dry ingredients that they can buy at stores themselves for a fraction of the cost, taking into account the lack of shipping expense for relatively low-value items, and fun is defined as me getting laughed at to this day by my co-workers to whom I ran and told excitedly of said ridiculousness.
2. It wouldn't, for instance, show you those stupid yellow arrows which try and tell you which email conversations are important and consistently get it wrong: email from my niece including cat pictures? Not important. Bill from my credit card company? REALLY IMPORTANT.


brittney perry said...

you know what's worse than ONE spider on your face?

Unknown said...

Michelle Glauser said...

I have so many ideas, too, that I was thinking of posting about them last week. Now how to get them to make money?