Monday, February 13, 2012

things you should never, under any circumstances, pray for

While you should pray for many things, allow me to urge you to never pray for the following:

To drive less

This is a terrible idea. Let me assure you that you are better off living your life driving, or you might, to imagine up an entirely hypothetical situation with no real-world parallels, be tempted to wish to be able to drive less in your life, and one day return to your truck, and start said truck, and attempt to put said truck into gear, only to find the truck will not go into gear. You might try several different ways of getting the truck into gear. You might mildly curse in the language of your choice.

You might spend the following days begging for rides and walking all over the peninsula in the rain.1

These are just a few of the things that might happen to you, should you wish to drive less.

Patience

Again, a terrible idea. Have you ever been taught patience? Let me assure you that you are better off living your life without praying for it, or you might, to again imagine up an entirely hypothetical situation with no real-world parallels, find yourself spending two hours on a hard chair inside Whole Foods, slurping their free wifi, waiting for a tow truck to show up, and trying your best not to facially punch the hipster who keeps jolting you every time he walks up to get yet another glass of water from the jug next to you.2

Humility

Even more so than all of the previous, and more than any other quality that has ever existed, you should NEVER DESIRE THIS TRAIT EVER EVER EVER. Don't pray for it, don't wish you had it, DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT WANTING IT.

Have you ever been taught humility? You're better off without it, or you might, to dream up a completely ridiculous hypothetical that is so outlandish that I laugh at your insinuation that this might have ever happened to anyone you know, and one that you should never ever think has anything to do with my own life in any way, and one that you SHOULD NEVER MENTION TO ME EVER UNDER PAIN OF DEATH,3 you might be unable to get your truck into gear, you might have it towed, it might be a horrendous inconvenience in your pitiful life, and you might run yourself ragged trying to get it fixed.

And when you call the mechanic that fateful day to check on the progress, well, he might laugh at you. And laugh. And ask you with sincere confusion why you placed the car in neutral with the four-wheel drive lever.4

In unrelated news, I'm selling my truck, because I'm too stupid to own it.5

Also, Brittney, I'm sorry you're marrying an idiot. I can be smrt sometimes, I promise.

1. That would be two hours of walking yesterday, if the hypothetical hiker were counting in this hypothetical situation.
2. I swear he had ten cups of water. What is wrong with people in this world?
3. I am one hundred percent serious. I realize the hypocrisy of blogging this, but consider it exposure therapy.
4. This is the most embarrassed I think I have been in my adult life. I cannot express in words the dread that filled my soul as I went to pick up the car from the mechanic. I inadvertently put my truck in neutral. I then had it towed like an idiot. And then I had to face down a mechanic who, with good reason, thought I was the stupidest person on the planet. The only consolation is there is a very slight, minuscule chance that he actually fixed the car and then made up this story to make me look retarded. The chance of that being true is somewhere around the probability of a meteor crushing me at this moment and sparing me from my severe humiliation, but, I would like to just make sure you all know it still is a very real possibility.
5. My only real worry about putting this story in the public domain is being fired from my job for gross incompetence, and never being able to find employment again due to obvious abject stupidity.

4 comments:

Aroura said...

I am *not* covering my mouth in an attempt to not awaken the rest of my family with raucous laughter at 1am. No, really, I'm not :)
We'll just chalk it up to your mind being otherwise more pleasantly occupied.

Melody said...

It's an honest mistake. That's what my husband, the mechanic, said while I was laughing and telling him this. :)

Marie said...

I finally got back on your site! sorry for bring it up...

Jess said...

Yet think, you both got to spend more time with your favorite personal drive.

Are you really selling the truck? I was planning on calling in a favor... :)