Monday, February 27, 2012

the vow

The Vow is a heart-warming tale of one young lover and one young former lover as they discover the joys of making the men in the audience keep down bile and check their watch every ten minutes hoping the pain is over. It teaches us the helpful moral of loving the one you...no, choosing the one you...no, loving to choose to lo...no, actually, there weren’t any morals, which is fine by me because if I wanted to get preached to, I’d move back home.1

If there was a moral it was something along the lines of "next time hire a casting director that realizes that Channing Tatum looks more like He-Man than a hipster". I live within spitting distance of San Francisco,2 and let me assure you that no hipster male has that body, much less has any sort of muscle definition on the whole of his body.3 But4 I know all about his body because the director went to great trouble to make sure we saw his booty after he spent the night naked on the couch, and I know all about involuntary convulsions because I then spent the rest of the movie with my face contorted in supreme disgust trying to decide how exactly I would BURN MY COUCH TO THE GROUND if anyone ever slept naked on it.

Can you think of anything more disgusting? I cannot. Maybe burning the couch was in a deleted scene, but seriously dude, if your wife kicks you out to the couch, maybe the problem isn't amnesia, maybe it's because you need to rethink what sort of horrors you are leaving on your living room furniture before you plop down for the night.5

1. Where I’d be preached to by my little brother, of course, and no, I was not in any way referring to my mother.
2. Though in SF they call it peeing distance, because spitting is so yesterday, and the ENTIRE CITY SMELLS LIKE URINE.
3. I'd be less inclined to insult hipsters if I hadn't spent a flight out of SF next to one who physically pushed me off the arm rest I had the audacity to use for less than three minutes, so, I'm sorry, but I hate you all, and please change out of those ridiculous jeans.
4. This pun is intentional.
5. Also, I'd like to thank Britt for letting me steal from her to construct everything that was funny in this post, and no, she did not agree to this beforehand, but thank you honey, welcome to community property!

1 comment:

brittney said...

Basically I spent the entire time they were in the hospital thinking, "Why are all these artsy hipsters hanging out with channing? wait. WAIT. These are supposed to be his friends? What? His friends look like this: http://thecia.com.au/reviews/s/images/step-up-2-the-streets-9.jpg"