Monday, March 19, 2012

things to talk about when you don't actually have a topic

Many of you know what it's like: you haven't posted on your blog in three weeks, you got married, went on a honeymoon, and spent the entire last weekend trying to situate your house and you should have accepted the offer of help from your wife when you went to bring the couch up from the truck, but you didn't1 so your entire body feels like you spent last night being beaten senseless by mafioso ducks and you haven't posted in three weeks and you need to come up with a topic or something or at least finish this sentence because nobody can read books this long, let alone sentences this long, and oh my gosh I have to stop this somehow but I can't.

I have but a few thoughts to leave you with this fine evening.

The latest Mission Impossible film is called Mission Impossible - Ghost Protocol.

It is not called Mission Impossible III. Mission Impossible III is a film that came out six years ago, and contains many scenes that you might remember, had you seen the film six years ago. Mission Impossible - Ghost Protocol contains none of these scenes. It does not, in fact, re-use any footage from the previous film. This would be stupid and nonsensical. If you happen to have rented Mission Impossible III on your honeymoon under the mistaken impression that it was the latest Mission Impossible film, you might want to HOLD YOUR TONGUE AND NOT SOUND LIKE A STUPID CRAZYPERSON IN FRONT OF YOUR WIFE when you recognize the scenes, characters, and plot, and suggest that elements have been reused because THAT MAKES NO SENSE AT ALL.2

Check the phone number before you call your home teachee.

In my church, they have a program called home teaching, wherein people check in on each other to see if they need any help. You are assigned individuals, and you typically visit them in their home every month, but, if you're two days away from your wedding and you have no time and you're just trying to survive, you might just call some of your people. However, and this is really important, make sure you have the CORRECT phone number for them, because, and this is purely hypothetical, one hundred percent hypothetical and not at all autobiographical, you might call the phone number you have stored for an individual, and greet them enthusiastically, and ask about their work, life, etc., and realize in the middle of a forced and awkward conversation that you have THE WRONG NUMBER.3

People in my life are awesome.

Not the ladies who I waited to pay for parking for five minutes,4 but everyone else. We've been so surprised by all of the kind words, notes, thoughts, gifts, and everything sent our way. People really have been so sweet and loving and generous, and we'll be thanking you all individually of course,5 but collectively, thank you. My faith in humanity hasn't been restored, of course, because seriously, if my wife is in law school, the least you could do on our first time in Sunday school in the new congragation is not proclaim, "you can tell how wicked a society is by the number of lawyers in it", but my faith in the people in my life continues unwavering.

I am never serious here, but let me break from character to just say that the best thing about my life is the people I know; my wife foremost, naturally,6 but I have the privilege of knowing and associating with the absolute best people on the planet. I never cease to find that astounding.

Thanks. All of you. Thanks.

1. In truth, it was just a big Ikea box and I, as venerable George W. Bush would say, misunderestimated the size of said box by at least fifty percent. She showered, and I slowly pushed and pulled a box the size of a motorcycle up to our apartment. Not my finest moment, intellect wise.
2. And if you don't realize your error until two thirds of the way through the film, may god have mercy on your soul.
3. Whoever it was I called must have been so confused. We literally talked for five minutes with me asking him how he was doing, how work was, offering to help, and he just kept on pretending like he knew who I was and both of us kept that game of chicken up until the end of the phone call. The good news is, he's working two jobs now and is doing all right, and doesn't need any help, and thanks me. Mr. Haynie, the man I intended to call, and who I called afterwards, is doing wonderfully as well, I'm happy to report.
4. They sat and laughed to each other about everything, including their inability to figure out the machine, their inability to use a card to pay, and the fact that the dollar that they tried to put in the credit card slot did not work. When I offered them quarters to get them out of my way, they thanked me and said, and I quote, "You must be from Harvard!" Yes, yes I am. Because the Crimson are so well known for their ability to give quarters to brainless parkers. Also, look at my sweatshirt: it says the University of Utah. I don't understand people at all.
5. Please excuse whatever genericisms I send your way, but have you ever tried to write fifty thank you notes?
6. I'm almost done typing while you're trying to sleep; I'm sorry honey, you are the best and most patient.

6 comments:

brittney said...

you're a good typer. I'm a good sleeper. perfect team.

Kimball said...

There may be a typo in footnote 3. You misspelled "hypothetically" before most if not all of the verbs..

chris said...

right, @kimball, of course you are correct. the reader will please understand that the entire footnote is hypothetical, my lack of explicit declaration notwithstanding.

Layne said...

We have a wedding present for you guys. Just so you know. Should we give it to your mom?

Kevin Dee Davis said...

If my thank you card does not rhyme I will consider it insincere, generic, and otherwise unacceptable… these are my terms.

BTW - So glad you guys are settling into married life. Drop us a line next chance you get.

chris said...

@Layne, yup that'll work. We'll be making the drive back at some point in the early summer to pick up things. And thanks!

And @Kevin, fine. It'll rhyme. I promise.