Tuesday, December 11, 2012

baking bread

Lately my wife has been participating in the semi-annual hazing ritual known as "finals", which has left me with some free time to do things like "read the Economist", "read the New York Times", and no, I am not playing that racing game that I swore I'd never play again, I promise.

Along with those activities, I thought I'd showcase my innate homemaking skills that have laid latent throughout our marriage, and I've been making bread for the wifey.

Britt mentioned this to a friend of ours, and she reacted with an emotion most appropriately described as shock, which was mildly offensive to me, because of course I make bread because of course I do everything awesome. She asked how I learned, and Britt said "the internet", and I, thinking that sounded much too coarse and unrefined and truthful, said my mother, who I have witnessed pulling loaves of bread out of the oven many, many times.

In any event, I figured I'd pass along my bread-making secrets to you today.

Step 1: Go buy some bread

No, I kid! I'd never advocate for you saving yourself about four hours and dozens upon dozens of dishes for what you can pick up at the grocery store for a measly two bucks. I'm serious! Don't just go buy that bread and pretend like you made it because then you'd be forced to spend the next luxurious, relaxed four hours of your life playing that stupid addicting and pointless hill-climbing racing game1 while your wife slaves away in abject misery.

Step 2: Follow the recipe

This may surprise you, but baking bread requires the intelligence of a six year old. If you could build monorail lego systems while hopped up on cinnamon rolls after four hours of sleep on Christmas morning, I'm pretty sure you can follow some directions that involve five ingredients which don't get lost in the folds of your Fraggle Rock footie pajamas.

Step 3: Try not to contemplate the probability that your arm hair made it into the dough

In the true spirit of step 3, I will say no more, except that, while I have no evidence this has ever occurred, the nightmarish scenario entered my head last night and refuses to let me live in peace ever again.

Step 4: Spend the rest of the evening telling your wife what an awesome husband she landed

This step isn't tied to making bread specifically, so be sure and repeat this for any number of small things you do: taking a shower, putting on deodorant, picking up your socks, washing a dish, desisting from creating foul smells, getting the mail, avoiding garlic, etc.

1. THE LEVELS GO ON AND ON AND ON WHY CAN I NOT STOP I HATE IT SO MUCH.

2 comments:

brittney said...

You do love that game, I understand why we can't just accept it and move on. It will make the hours pass so much more pleasantly.

Marie said...

Only manly mans make bread.