Wednesday, January 16, 2013

driver's license? how about a cell phone license?

Driving is such a complicated activity we require all who drive maintain a current valid driver's license. Using a cell phone is (apparently) such a complicated activity, we absolutely need to institute nation-wide laws requiring all cell phone operators have a license.

Classes to obtain a license would include:

  • How to not use annoying abbreviations such as U or R or UR or other atrocities when texting.
  • How to drive your automobile without feeling the need to bear your soul to another human via an electronic medium.
  • How to silence your phone for movies, weddings, church ceremonies, dental procedures,1 etc.

We then need to codify into law a number of societal norms which go violated on a daily basis. Most punishments are obvious: an immediate and permanent ban on your usage of a cell phone in any capacity forever.

Stare at your phone while driving? Sorry, you lose your license.

Jabber loudly into your phone in the middle of a crowded train?2 Sorry, you lose your license.

Cause me to veer into traffic to avoid you as you meander aimlessly on the sidewalk while you're texting? Sorry, you lose your license.

Hack up a lung while on public transit, spewing your disgusting diseased germs all over your fellow travelers? Sorry, just because that's straight up gross you lose your license.

Wait until you're at the front of the 10 minute line at Safeway at 11:30 PM to pull out your phone and thus slow down every single sleep-deprived person behind you? Not only do you lose your license, but you forfeit your right to not be thrown into a dry well with a rabid hedgehog.

Cell phones are dangerous tools. Join me in demanding a licensing scheme today!

1. Let us not speak of the time my former dentist answered a phone call from her son while she was filling a cavity of mine.
2. I heard an apocryphal story in London about a man who took a cell phone jammer on train rides to be able to ride in silence. Genius.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

fantastic mr. fox

I love movies. Movies are a great break from my day-to-day life of compulsively checking my phone.1

My wife and I recently rented Fantastic Mr. Fox from Amazon.2 This movie was very highly rated by movie critics with histories of head injuries. I learned this fact later at Wikipedia. Unfortunately the head injury part hadn't been included in their bios, so I was sure to add it.

One quote reads, "Fantastic Mr. Fox is a delightfully funny feast for the eyes with multi-generational appeal – and it shows Wes Anderson has a knack for animation."

I'm pretty sure there were some bits switched from when that was written until its publication on the internet. It should read something like this:

"Fantastic Mr. Fox is a delightfully awkward walk through the mind of a crazy person - and it shows Wes Anderson should be committed for life."

If you haven't watched it yet, I invite you to purchase a large 2x4 and bang yourself in the head for 90 minutes to simulate the experience.

This is a good movie especially for my sworn enemies. Please watch it and enjoy having your brain dismembered. It's sort of like a nice drive through the countryside on a car made out of spikes that breaks down and abruptly stops without warning continually.

1. Protip: if you want to break a Facebook habit, unsubscribe from everyone you haven't spoken to in over a year. Voila: you have no more updates, thus nothing to see.
2. Motto: One major connection issue per movie or your money back.