Wednesday, January 16, 2013

driver's license? how about a cell phone license?

Driving is such a complicated activity we require all who drive maintain a current valid driver's license. Using a cell phone is (apparently) such a complicated activity, we absolutely need to institute nation-wide laws requiring all cell phone operators have a license.

Classes to obtain a license would include:

  • How to not use annoying abbreviations such as U or R or UR or other atrocities when texting.
  • How to drive your automobile without feeling the need to bear your soul to another human via an electronic medium.
  • How to silence your phone for movies, weddings, church ceremonies, dental procedures,1 etc.

We then need to codify into law a number of societal norms which go violated on a daily basis. Most punishments are obvious: an immediate and permanent ban on your usage of a cell phone in any capacity forever.

Stare at your phone while driving? Sorry, you lose your license.

Jabber loudly into your phone in the middle of a crowded train?2 Sorry, you lose your license.

Cause me to veer into traffic to avoid you as you meander aimlessly on the sidewalk while you're texting? Sorry, you lose your license.

Hack up a lung while on public transit, spewing your disgusting diseased germs all over your fellow travelers? Sorry, just because that's straight up gross you lose your license.

Wait until you're at the front of the 10 minute line at Safeway at 11:30 PM to pull out your phone and thus slow down every single sleep-deprived person behind you? Not only do you lose your license, but you forfeit your right to not be thrown into a dry well with a rabid hedgehog.

Cell phones are dangerous tools. Join me in demanding a licensing scheme today!

1. Let us not speak of the time my former dentist answered a phone call from her son while she was filling a cavity of mine.
2. I heard an apocryphal story in London about a man who took a cell phone jammer on train rides to be able to ride in silence. Genius.


brittney perry said...

well... if you could be the license police maybe I could keep my license. And maybe you you could be the drivers' license police? then maybe you could give mine back to me? okay. good idea.

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