Sunday, February 3, 2013

three world-changing ideas

The problem with being a genius and having zero ambition in life means you face constant annoyance in having amazing ideas that would change the world, but no capacity to enact them. In the spirit of giving on this fine Groundhog Boxing Day, I present to you three world-changing ideas which you are free to steal.

Crayons in Corporate Colors

Wouldn't you rush out and buy crayons whose colors were modeled off of corporate buzzwords? Step one is to create a set of crayons with colors such as:

  • Bland Corporate Beige
  • Low-hanging Fruit Red
  • Let's Take This Offline Orange
  • Core Competencies Cream
  • Paradigm Shift Peach
  • Gamification Green
  • Cross-functional Alignment Amber
  • Enterprise Ownership Deliverable Stakeholder Brown

Step two: ...

Step three: Profit

Presidential Idol

Everyone complains about our presidential election process as it is, and third parties are universally derided, so let's make a terrible frankencreation I'm calling Presidential Idol.

The deal is this: you figure out all of the hoops and legalities necessary to get someone listed on the presidential ballot in every state, then ruthlessly copy "American Idol", and "The X Factor", and "Talentless Yohoos have Talent", and whatever else on television, and get a bunch of people to try out to make it as the nominee for a political party that happens to be a television show.

It would make for some pretty AWESOME television. The last television show I can remember watching live aired sometime in 2007, but I would pretty much watch this every week and would bring popcorn and sit through commercials because HOLY COW HOW COOL WOULD IT BE TO MAKE PEOPLE IN SUITS JUMP MOTORCYCLES, SING SONGS, TELL JOKES, AND THEN DEBATE IMMIGRATION POLICIES SO THEY CAN GET A ROSE AND STAY ON ANOTHER WEEK.

The best news is you could then argue the eventual nominee has some sense of national legitimacy instead of having received a mandate from a bunch of corn farmers in Iowa.

Start a White House Petition to Get Apple to Refer to its Products Using Articles1

I ran out of world-changing ideas, so you get my personal pet peeve instead. Just this morning my phone informed me I can, "begin using iPhone". On Apple's website they currently display the banner, "The best thing to happen to iPhone since iPhone". Let me assist the Apple copywriters by suggesting some grammatical edits to that statement:

"The best thing to happen to the iPhone since the iPhone or since we fired every miserable copywriter in our organization for UNDENIABLE UNFORGIVABLE INCOMPETENCE."

Every time I read anything written by Apple I feel like I'm talking to a third grade monster. MORTIMER HUNGRY. MORTIMER GOING TO EAT YOU.

1. Back when White House petitions were cool, I was going to blog a list of them that I wanted to start. It was going to be funny and witty and in no way cheap and insulting like every other post I write. Unfortunately, the speed at which ideas make it to posts these days means I'm roughly six months behind the times.