Wednesday, January 8, 2014

23 ways in which western civilization is crumbling before our eyes

Have you ever noticed there's never ten ways? Not fifteen? Not twenty? Lists containing multiples of five are so passé. In the new age, we only use odd numbers to enumerate, preferably prime.

Back when dinosaurs ruled the earth, our elementary school teachers told us that newspapers were deforesting Brazil and by the time we were in high school we'd be lucky to see a tree on a talkie if the human race hadn't descended into chaos due to the ever-present risk of nuclear annihilation.

It turns out, things are even worse than that. Instead of mass extinctions and the destruction of our biosphere, newspapers are dead and now the entirety of the modern economy revolves around linkbait blog titles.

Take a recent one making the rounds. I refuse to link to it on principle, and I'm hesitant to even write it here lest you look it up and give more pageviews to the turd that wrote it, but here goes: Why I'm getting a divorce in 2014.

If you were one of the many who posted that article, it's okay, I forgive you, I myself have been hacked by Nigerian scam artists before, as I'm positive that is the ONLY REASON YOU COULD POSSIBLY SUPPORT SUCH A DESPICABLE ATTEMPT TO GARNER PAGE VIEWS. I'm reliably informed that the first line of the piece (which I refuse to read as I am a cranky old man and stick to inconsistent principles that change based on how far I am from a bathroom) goes something like this: Before you think the contrary, let me assure you I'm not divorcing my wife.

OHHHHHHH. I SEEEEEEE. Because a normal human would make that deduction, not from any sort of reading between the lines, but from ACTUALLY READING THE LINES? From literally interpreting what you wrote?

The rest of the article describes how the individual (hopefully nobody I know, but I guess I'll never know) will be getting a "divorce" from a cell phone. SO CUTE. AREN'T YOU ADORABLE. I bet never in a million years you didn't think of that analogy so that you could further contribute to the fall of Western civilization by inundating us with meaningless linkbait drivel.

Ways 2-23 revolve around how Bioethanol steals food from poor people, how every time I leave a bathroom I'm stuck trying to decide where people who don't wash their hands touch the door handle, and how every time I open the Google Maps app it zooms impossibly far down: I'm basically staring at my head (which is, admittedly, large) and I spend the first ten seconds trying to zoom out, then picking up my phone because I dropped it because it's IMPOSSIBLE TO ZOOM OUT WITH ONE HAND.