Thursday, September 4, 2014

new babies

New babies are pure, innocent reminders of all of the good things in life, parcels of joy, and constant fountains of pee.

There are plenty of cliches and old gags about the kid peeing on you: everyone has that one story of the baby peeing, but our little boy was alive for less than 24 hours before he targeted his grandma with deadly accuracy. And it's not even the sneak diaper-change attack that he's perfected: he wages a constant yellowy war of attrition with his woefully inadequate diapers. We've had the kid for less than a week and he has peed through every single blanket, every single article of clothing, and every piece of furniture in the house, including some walls. He has literally christened every object he touches within hours, and some within seconds.

There are two perpendicular 180 degree arcs along which the firing mechanism may freely operate under unconstrained conditions, and the diaper provides liquid containment assurance along approximately 5% of that matrix. If you happen to position the firing mechanism just right, and the kid doesn't move at all, you're in the clear. Any missteps, and you're washing every linen you own. Again.

The diapers at this point are mere formalities, something we keep on him so that when guests stop by they don't think us heathens, because there is nothing that is going to stop this kid from his mission.

pregnancy

Every pregnancy is exactly the same.

Knowing this, next time you meet a woman who is having a rough pregnancy, be sure to tell her what she is doing wrong. If she has spent every waking moment of her life sick in pain and misery, maybe tell her that she's not eating enough protein or carbs or fat. Surely in the constant waking hell she finds herself never would she have thought to change her diet on her own accord. Also, slyly intimate that she's eating too much sugar.

She also probably hasn't thought to try ginger as a remedy, never mind that she has been desperate for any sort of relief for months, and that it is the first thing recommended basically everywhere on the planet.

Pregnancy is also a great time to live it up before the kid comes and ruins your ability to go out at night. Sometimes living it up means eating a gourmet dinner of cereal as your wife chokes down the last food on earth she can bear eating, sometimes it means scouring Netflix for the eightieth time looking for something watchable while your wife moans in pain next to you, and other times it means coming up with fun games the two of you can play at home when you're not holding back her hair as she pukes.