Thursday, September 4, 2014

new babies

New babies are pure, innocent reminders of all of the good things in life, parcels of joy, and constant fountains of pee.

There are plenty of cliches and old gags about the kid peeing on you: everyone has that one story of the baby peeing, but our little boy was alive for less than 24 hours before he targeted his grandma with deadly accuracy. And it's not even the sneak diaper-change attack that he's perfected: he wages a constant yellowy war of attrition with his woefully inadequate diapers. We've had the kid for less than a week and he has peed through every single blanket, every single article of clothing, and every piece of furniture in the house, including some walls. He has literally christened every object he touches within hours, and some within seconds.

There are two perpendicular 180 degree arcs along which the firing mechanism may freely operate under unconstrained conditions, and the diaper provides liquid containment assurance along approximately 5% of that matrix. If you happen to position the firing mechanism just right, and the kid doesn't move at all, you're in the clear. Any missteps, and you're washing every linen you own. Again.

The diapers at this point are mere formalities, something we keep on him so that when guests stop by they don't think us heathens, because there is nothing that is going to stop this kid from his mission.

2 comments:

brittney perry said...

and this doesn't even cover his turdles.

Nettie said...

Did you try pointing his "firing mechanism" downward when you put his diaper on? That seems to help my boys.
And Brit is right about the turdles. Who know something that small could be so explosive?