Tuesday, January 13, 2015

and here we have idaho

For any in-laws who might be reading this, or say, my wife, Idaho is a delightful state full of kind, loving people. That is the end of this post, so you may close the tab.

Idaho, and I realize this expression is overused so I use it very purposefully here, is a frozen wasteland. The best thing about Idaho is the height of summer when the thermometer hits 40 and you can start seeing tundra through the glacial cover. Idahoans love to give you a hard time for being weak if you're from a state which encounters the other three seasons instead of just permafrost and breweries to keep the local populace in check.

I used to think I was a capable winter driver until I arrived in Idaho and discovered that they keep all snow plows out on loan to neighboring states, and they pave their roads with ice. I am not exaggerating this: I have seen the pavement outside my in-laws house on one occasion, and I believe that was on account of the homemade firecracker they were lighting off. As the anti-lock brakes engaged and we slid into yet another intersection, in a non-calm voice I inquired of my wife how she maintained her peaceful demeanor, and she told me to relax, that, "I've slid into every intersection in town", and everyone in Idaho just sort of expected that, sort of like how everyone in Utah thinks they are on a secret mission to drive erratically and protect the left lane AT ALL COSTS.

In states where -20 Fahrenheit means the end of civilization as we know it, you could be excused for believing that putting something in a "garage" implies some protection against freezing. Not so in Idaho. Shampoo froze in our car in the garage. SHAMPOO. WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU IDAHO? When you live in a state in which hanging out in the garage gives you a good chance of death, I think it's time to start following those birds south.

Your first clue that Idaho isn't a sunny paradise should be from the thousands of pioneers who walked through it and just kept on walking. It wasn't until the Mormons, a group famous for getting kicked out of nice places into inhospitable wastelands, went there for the scenery and good quality of life just kidding nobody settled in Idaho for quality of life before the invention of fusion reactors and manmade global warming.

But if dying from exposure doesn't worry you, like I said before, it's a delightful state full of kind, loving people. I'd recommend an August visit.

4 comments:

J J Perry MD said...

Those who visit both Idaho and North Dakota in winter prefer Idaho.
I've never seen outlets in front of parking places in Idaho as is common in Montana and the Dakotas. Outlets so you can plug in your engine block heater.
Winter is one of God's tools to keep Californians from moving to Idaho and diluting the kind, gentle people quotient...

brittney perry said...

"Um. Nothing to see here. Move along. This is NOT the place."

also? I didn't see your title before lol...

drfindley said...

I lived in Idaho and nothing was more absurd to me than their complete lack of recognition of the existence of a snow plow!

I've lived in a place colder, wetter and icier than Idaho (let's call it Vermont) and most of the time, the roads were clear and dry. In fact, you could usually drive 50 on the freeway in a snowstorm because there was a plow within 2-3 miles of you in either direction keeping the roads clean. We'd have 6 feet of snow one day and the roads completely clear the next. Idaho's lack of plowing is beyond absurd. Also, how proud are the locals of their ability to park using the parking break? *sigh*

I'm sorry Idaho, I don't know how you live through so much winter but just don't get winter. *sigh*. I guess it's time to go back to moving sprinklers and plowing potato farms and being proud that your town has 2 traffic lights. Oh the stories I've heard of living in a "suburb" of Rexburg.

Unknown said...

As the father of said person who "slid into every intersection in town" I can only say, she left out encounters with mailboxes (not even in winter), lawns, and even small rodents...

State song has a verse which you nearly quoted "There’s truly one state in this great land of ours,
Where ideals can be realized.
The pioneers made it so for you and me,
A legacy we’ll always prize" they just left out the part about only in August!