Saturday, January 3, 2015

family road trips

Family road trips are a good way to involve your children in your own pointless stupidity.

Instead of, say, deciding to participate in the miracle of flight and effortlessly descend upon your destination likeunto what an ancient greek god could only dream of doing while being served delicious orange juice and poison peanutless airplane biscuitfood, you could do some bean counting and decide that you would rather save a fraction of a paycheck by putting your child in a plastic cage and restricting his movements for a mere twelve hours, and expect him to not scream bloody murder for the duration of the trip because you are an idiot.

Flying with a baby is, of course, a bad idea, because maybe your baby will make a tiny peep and someone will give you a dirty look, so trade that probabilistic scenario with the absolute certainty that your child will scream directly in your ear for the last six hours of your drive.

Road trips across thousands of miles of frozen barren tundras are the best kind of road trip, because screaming carries much better in colder temperatures at higher altitudes.

Things you could do to alleviate the pain for your child might include:

  • Flying
  • Staying a night in Reno at the cheapest four-star resort in town, which is also, coincidentally, the smelliest four-star resort in town, with the loudest screaming women in the hall at 2:30 AM in town.
  • Flying
  • Staying home
  • Not staying that night in Reno, because it just means you spend twenty-four hours in transit instead of twelve, and avoiding Reno also dramatically reduces the number of interactions you have in lines and elevators with prostitutes and drunken gamblers.
  • Flying

Or maybe you could consider flying.

2 comments:

Matthew Lambert said...

Your point is well taken, but I'd like to enlighten you on some of the joys of flying with a child:

1. Connections--these are really simple without a child because you just walk to the adjoining gate and get on an airplane, increasing your travel time by an hour. When you are flying with a child, the gate is always on the other side of the airport, you have to wait for them to unload your stroller and carseat, connect the carseat, and run to the other side of the airport.
2. Infant in arms--this is what exactly it is called. They never find another adjoining seat even if there are many extra seats on your flight.
3. Seatbelt sign--on an airplane, you don't actually have to wear your seatbelt the whole trip. This might sound like a good thing at first, but when you let your child play on the floor, they will invariably find your shoes and vomit in them.

That being said, flight is a miracle--except when you are traveling with a baby!

chris said...

hahaha: vomiting in the shoe. that's for SURE happening to me.