Sunday, January 18, 2015

getting your baby to sleep

Getting a baby to sleep through the night is simple and straightforward: just ask any first time parents with an easy baby and they'll tell you "the trick", where "the trick" isn't correctly attributed to random chance and/or narcolepsy.

There is no greater motivator to believe in a higher power that can force other humans to sleep than hearing a peep uttered out of the other room at three in the morning. Sure, I've prayed in my life, but I've really only prayed on airplanes, and when bouncing a little howling sweatball in the dark of night. There's a reason religious leaders tell you to have kids, and it's not because they're considering future donations they'll receive.

All is not lost, however, because everyone on the internet can tell you what you're doing wrong and exactly how to fix it in exactly four steps that you've already tried six times.

Feed your baby

But don't feed him too often, or he won't sleep, or too infrequently or he won't sleep, and don't feed him right before he goes to sleep because then he will always require a nipple in his mouth to sleep up until the age of nine and a half, and be sure to feed him the right mixture of foremilk and hindmilk because there was once an article that never made it through peer review that said maybe we need to add another dimension to breastfeeding to freak new mothers out about.

Put your baby down to sleep

But don't put him down too soon when he's awake, and don't put him down too late when he's too drowsy, be sure to put him down at exactly the right time, which is approximately the square root of the hypotenuse of the triangle made between your bed and the crib and Kalamazoo, multiplied by the number of currently-visible stars o'clock.

If your baby is crying, visit him occasionally

We made this statement a conditional because in some magical unicorn land this doesn't happen all the time to you, and you do naught but frolic upon fluffy mattresses with happy flowers and duckies whilst being fanned with palm fronds held by golden centaurs.

But don't visit your baby too often or he won't sleep, and don't visit him too infrequently or he will become a terrorist, but visit him just right, and don't let your visits be "too stimulating" because a baby kicking and screaming at the top of his lungs isn't stimulated and you saying something might just be the thing that really wakes him up.

Help your baby attach to a security object

Like a prayer book, or maybe pseudo-science articles written by people with titles, or maybe a bottle of gin, or maybe a Twitter feed and why is nobody publishing articles right now it's already six AM on the East Cost, or maybe a motivational cat poster oh wait you mean a security object for the INFANT.


kt said...


LRH said...


Unknown said...

The actual formula is in radians...that's why the units got a bit mixed up...