Sunday, September 27, 2015

five toys that will change the way you play with your children and you won't believe what happened next!

There's one toy and you'll believe everything, but nobody is capable of writing a headline that doesn't make them look like a weenie, so I'm jumping on the bandwagon people, from now on, expect NOTHING BUT LINKBAIT.

That opener sounded a lot funnier in my head, but it's staying on here folks because I am down to business and I reserve every night at 2:00 AM as my special time to lie awake and re-think every single decision of my life and now is not that time.

Legos are the best toy ever invented, hands down. There's not even a comparison with any other toy. Let's list out all of the toys that I have given Jack and compare them to legos:

Sticks: All around solid, but lacking in ability to spark imagination
Cheese picked up off of the ground: Disappears into the abyss too quickly
Old boxes: Also good, but lack color. Watch out for staples.
Empty water bottles: Fun to chew on momentarily, quickly lose entertainment value

We're so bad at getting Jack toys, and so known for being terrible, that our friends gave Jack a toy for his first birthday, along with a card apologizing to him for his stingy parents. It was easily the second best card ever given to our family.1

In keeping with this tradition, a co-worker gave Jack a set of Duplo bricks from her daughter's old collection, which I'm counting as Legos. This co-worker is super nice and also way more organized than any actual human because not one single piece of the full set was missing: like every tiny little thing is in there, including the siren to the police car. I say was missing because we lost five pieces in seconds after opening it, but that's okay because I'm sure they'll show up with the rest of Jack's toy collection2 someday.

Jack loves those Duplos. He plays with them for longer than any of his other moldy socks, and for at least half of the amount of time mommy and daddy play with them. I'm not saying that you should only buy Duplos, but you should only buy Duplos because you know what'll make you stop having children? Reading "Goodnight Moon" one more time with that creepy ghost bunny who magically apparates into a chair and stares at the kid. No wonder he can't freaking sleep, THERE'S A DEAD BUNNY STARING AT HIM.3

Buying your kids Legos will also make up for the magnolia leaves that substitute for a toy collection, and if you randomly decide one year to stop buying them Legos and declare they will never get another Lego for the rest of their life, even though their older brother who is two and a half years older got Legos up until that same Christmas and therefore had WAY more Legos which is a very substantial injustice, they will probably resent it for the next 23 years and write snippy blog posts about why they're the best because they just picked up some second hand Duplos and they will never take the joy out of their son's life as was done to them.

Also, Legos are superior to all other toys because the paint doesn't come off when they're eaten like pretty much every other toy ever made for children which I do not understand because do they not expect that? THE TOYS ARE GOING TO GET EATEN, YOU ROTTEN DESIGNERS. Stop covering them with scrapable paint.4

1. The first best is legendary from Caleb, and for another day.
2. read: a bunch of empty cracker boxes
3. It's really clearly not a live relative because she is referred to as the "quiet old lady whispering hush" which is exactly how I'd describe an unknown ghost who is haunting me with knitting needles.
4. The most egregious example was the freaking teething ring we got: it is made to be eaten, and PAINT CHIPS OFF OF IT WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE WORLD.


brittney perry said...

Listening to you rant about picture book has been the best surprise of your truly spectacular fatherhood.

brittney perry said...


Abaker said...

The Goodnight Moon comment is the best. Darren HAAATES that book.

Margot said...

You realize this is an open invitation to give you even more hand-me-down toys? You're an easy mark and I have a small house. Muahahahhahahahah

MommaMcCarthy said...

ahhh yes. Legos. You poor poor man. Just wait a few years until you move closer to grandparents and on his birthday they dump 8 old gigantic Lego sets that each have at least 1000 pieces and then all you ever see, find in the drier, step on with bare feet, clean out from couch cushions, find in your bed, in your food, in your shower... you may change your mind. (but man, they do entertain really well!)