Saturday, September 5, 2015


Swimming is the world's best recreational sport.

Here are a few things I love about swimming:

Swimming is just like taking a bath, except more fun. Baths are fun because you get to scrub your filth off of yourself, and then wallow in it like swine. Swimming is fun because you get to do the same thing, except add the filth of everyone else you know plus some questionable strangers, and let it sit in one place over an entire summer, sort of like bathing in the middle ages, back when they had chamber pots and outdoor human excrement storage.

Swimming is fun because you get to enjoy the expansiveness of ten by forty feet of human-filled filth water. It's like going for a nice afternoon walk and pacing back and forth in the electronics section of Walmart on Black Friday except the other customers get to pee on you whenever they want.

The fun of swimming is compounded by awkward social interaction. Remember how you spent your entire youth getting dunked by your brothers every time you came within a football field's distance of a puddle? Now you can re-live your past and have people who don't harbor violent repressed rage try to push you under and then sue you for the assault and battery that is guaranteed to follow.

The other great thing about swimming is how good you look while doing it. Everyone else loses ten pounds when they put a swimming suit on their evenly-colored, beautiful and healthy skin covering taught, toned muscles, but you gain thirty pounds and every fat cell in your body makes a panicked dash to your gut, while you grow hair on your back and lose about six shades of color whenever you even consider removing your shirt.

Oh, but Chris Perry, you're talking about swimming in a swimming pool, and swimming in open bodies of water is totally different, you might say. Oh yes, yes it is.

The great thing about swimming in open bodies of water is now instead of maybe swimming in pee, now you're guaranteed to be swimming in fish pee. That's what the ocean is. Did you ever closely inspect the charts depicting the water cycle in your elementary classrooms? Fish pee, that's the ocean.

Of course, there's other great news about swimming in open bodies of water, which I have done on two occasions,1 and on which occasions I had my near-lifeless body drug out of the water by my father.2 CPR wasn't required in either case because I have superhuman powers that do not include propulsion through water, but whatever you get the point.

Swimming in open bodies of water means you get to experience the rush of an elemental force trying constantly to kill you. The ocean wants you dead. Why does it pull at your feet? Because it wants you dead. Those are the pulls of Poseidon as he seeks revenge on land creatures.

Swimming is also the world's best recreational sport because more people die miserable while in water than in any other environment. This statistic is obvious because you only ever die miserable in water, while it's possible to die in peace in other places: like running, for instance. Get a heart attack while running? You died doing what you loved. Drown? You perished in the most incomprehensibly nightmarish way possible and now you're being eaten by a shark.

Summer is over, and I couldn't be happier. Bring on running weather.

1. Okay, not just two, I'm being melodramatic, but THOSE ARE THE ONES YOU REMEMBER.
2. Another lie, he only mostly drug me out the first time, and the second time was his fault and I swam out of the frozen river by myself after our canoe capsized.

1 comment:

J J Perry MD said...

If it weren't for bad memories of your father you might have none at all. And maybe he wanted fewer children but chickened out... But that is all tangential to the germophobic dissertation here. If bacteria bother you, don't drink tap water or microscopically examine your skin or especially your mouth. BUGS!!!! AAAaarrrgghhhh!