Tuesday, October 13, 2015

guns

Guns are awesome and anyone who thinks otherwise is obviously a communist or a European or an Australian or Japanese or a citizen of another country where people don't routinely die in gun-related violence which includes communist countries COINCIDENCE I THINK NOT. Guns are the solution to all of our problems, especially the problem of too much gun violence. Guns protect us from a tyrannical federal authority as the second amendment clearly states: "being necessary to the security of a free State". Come on people, who can argue with eighteenth century logic? I KNOW I CAN'T.

Guns have saved us from a non-free state on multiple occasions. If it weren't for our right to bear arms, governmental authority might overreach its bounds and blanketly surveil the entire population with illegal impunity and use that information in secret ways and then pursue any whistleblowers of a hugely immoral regime to the ends of the earth. If it weren't for guns, we'd be living in that scenario, totally unable to stop the government from reading every single word we write. Thanks guns!

If it weren't for guns, an overarching federal authority might impose ridiculous regulations on our daily life, like, I dunno, a tax code that is thousands of pages long and functionally impossible to comply with without paying blackmail money fees to accountants. Guns saved us from that, but also from that same federal authority targeting specific groups of people it didn't like to subject to audits. Obviously guns have saved us from this and all other sorts of crazy regulations that are totally randomly enforced by authority figures based on who they personally like and dislike.

Imagine all of the elements of a state the founding fathers would abhor: standing armies, ceaseless foreign wars, mass incarceration of the population, the list goes on. And yet guns have saved us from all of those aspects, and there's no other way in which we could maintain a free state, were it not for a public unlimited right to bear arms under any condition. With a track record like this, who can argue with the second amendment's logic?

Aside from saving us from a tyrannical oppressive federal authority that surveils and tortures people with willful abandon, guns also keep us safe. If it weren't for guns, the probability of killing yourself wouldn't increase if you owned a gun. In fact, it wouldn't be more likely that you hurt yourself than inflict harm on someone trying to harm you. If it weren't for guns, the probability of your kid killing him or herself wouldn't increase if you owned a gun. This is because peer-reviewed science doesn't indicate that the majority of suicides are impulse decisions that are preventable, and preventable in a way that means keeping things that can easily kill you away from yourself when you're in a moment of weakness. I'm alive in part because I couldn't find a gun in a dark time in my life, but that and science means nothing, so more guns for everyone.

The best part about guns, however, is that everyone has an answer about guns and that answer is never anything but more guns all the time everywhere because we can put our collective will and energies into figuring out how to reduce deaths by cigarettes which were once used all the time everywhere but once anyone worries about guns you have to get real defensive and act like IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO DO ANYTHING AND ANYONE WHO SUGGESTS DIFFERENTLY IS A COMMUNIST AND SHOULD NEVER BE TRUSTED AGAIN.

I hope our grandchildren consider us savages.