Monday, December 21, 2015

sleep training

It used to be that to really dislike someone for their absurd views you'd have to actually speak with them for a sustained period of time. Those were the golden years of civil society when it didn't really matter if you had a racist aunt because you'd only have to disavow her every Christmas.

However, now our public forums are bombarded daily with politicized messages seeped in missionary zeal, and what they lack in the ability to convey nuance or background, they make up for with being totally anathema1 to civil discourse. Everything is reduced to a photo with an absurdist caption and a like button. I'm running out of people who post incendiary things to unfollow.

So, my fair reader, and you are just one reader,2 today I grant you an escape from the madness, talking about the only thing I can that is remotely entertaining.

Having a kid is like playing a round of that old classic,3 "Don't wake Daddy", except you don't lose the game if he wakes up, you die a miserable death listening to a rabid monster screaming for your blood in the other room. The great part about raising a family in California is that instead of retreating into your master bath several kilometers away from the nursery, you get to slowly tiptoe into a creaky bathroom inches away from the angeldemon, cursing every time a train passes by as you perform all of your necessary nighttime actions in a very pained complete and total silence.

Of course, if you mention this to anyone who has children they will immediately judge you4 for a) not having enough children,5 or b) mention something about sleep training. I have a bone to pick with sleep training.

"Sleep training" is a term made up by pop psychologists looking to foist guilt on the modern parent. Sure, sleep training sounds cut and dry right? Sort of like toilet training but with sleep. It is a filthy lie. Sleep training is like training for a marathon. It is a constant bleating force in your life for anywhere from one to thirty six months depending on how much you lie and/or drug your children. And it gets better when they learn to talk because they get to scream at you by name.6

Our kid's first word was daddy, which I thought was really sweet until we realized he was talking to his stuffed raccoon (and he still does). His second word was no. Third word is up in the air, but we're a little afraid it's going to have four letters.

I think I'm overstating my case just a little bit here. Getting a kid to sleep is really reasonably easy, as long as they aren't teething, going though a growth spurt, sick, weaning, have a poopy diaper, have lost their stuffed raccoon, have their legs through the crib slots, aren't thirsty, aren't hungry, can't see any light, can't hear any noises, oh and there goes the ^&*$ train again blaring the horn, or in any way deviant from the most pristine situation you can imagine, which is ALL OF THE TIME.

Parenthood is awesome and rewarding when it's 8:30 and he didn't cry this time and it's only another eight and a half hours before you're at it again.

See you on the flip side!

1. This means I like to use big words and be sure to show everyone that too.
2. Hi wifey! Love you!
3. I'm using that term very loosely here.
4. Judging is the currency of parenthood.
5. He's just a first child, you obviously don't know what you're doing.
6. We have to coach every babysitter the same way: he's going to cry, it's going to be terrible, you'll be okay, BUT DO NOT GO IN THERE BECAUSE HE WILL DESCEND INTO MADNESS.


brittney perry said...

2.a. love you too :)

Rachel said...

Okay, I am sitting here reading your posts aloud to Chris, and we are dying with laughter. Thank you for bringing some joy into the horrors that are re-usable baby food pouches and "sleep training". WHY WILL THEY NOT SLEEP?!?!?! And how do their legs always get stuck in the crib slots?!

MommaMcCarthy said...

just wait 'til potty training... it's soo worse.

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