Sunday, February 7, 2016

baby food

I started writing posts for The Complete Guide to Everything in 2004,1 back when it was still somewhat socially acceptable for a heterosexual male to write stuff not related to computer science or startups or design and not be considered self absorbed. That time has long since passed, so let me branch out a bit for this post, and target the main blog-reading audience that still exists.

Dear mommy bloggers,

It sure is easy to save money on baby food. You'd be a fool not to! Here are some quick and easy steps.

  1. Don't buy that baby food in a packet. It's $1.50 on sale, and it is only a magical concoction of healthy things for your baby to eat that will help him grow and be happy, packaged in the most amazing invention since pre-wheel.2 Be dissatisfied that it's not cheap. Everything should be cheap.
  2. Decide to make baby food yourself. This is a good idea.
  3. To make similar-quality food, go drop by the store and pick up a box of raspberries for $5, and a banana for $.29. So you're already ahead. And a sweet potato for $something.3
  4. Buy a re-usable packet on Amazon. You can get six for $17, and at least four of them will work.
  5. Wait for your baby to get hungry.
  6. Instead of instantly opening up that magical device and dispensing food, hurriedly make yourself some baby food. It's easy! Especially easy to do while holding a crying toddler.
  7. Mash up that food and stick it in the packet, spilling at least half on the floor.
  8. Your baby will eat about a quarter of it and then out of anger that it is not real baby food, squeeze it out all over your bed where you foolishly brought him like a sucker.
  9. Clean the mixing bowl, floor, clothes, bed, and son.
  10. Throw away the "reusable" packet, those things are uncleanable.
  11. Go buy more baby food.

1. Maybe it was 2003? I dunno, the point is I'm too old to remember things. I hand write my own HTML and I long for a good RSS reader. Now get off my lawn you darn "Millennials".
2. It's basically on the same level as fire and exchangeable currency.
3. This is the part where you realize you can never trust someone who works for Google to quote you food prices.


Being healthy is pretty awesome. You sleep well, you can run whenever you want, and you can look down with moral superiority at the sick people who come to work to try and infect you. The only way being healthy can be a downer is living with someone who is sick.

First of all, any pity is just totally out of the question. If you're sick, it's all, "oh I'm so sorry you must feel terrible let me make you chicken noodle soup instead of telling you why I think it's a disgusting dish and should never be allowed in our home".

No no, if you're healthy, you only get people saying, "oh gee you look good today", and, "how are you my friend". If you let slip your true feelings on your wife's illness, all of those hypocrites change their tune quick as a flash to, "I can't believe you'd be so selfish", and, "in what world do you think it is socially acceptable to blog that you beast of a man".

And you deserve pity after all! It is mildly inconvenient to be woken up by someone coughing and writhing in pain. It sure sucks up time to play with your son at the park as he laughs and giggles and spends precious moments of a golden childhood beaming at you when you could be pushing him off to his mother and reading The Economist. And the puking in the background sure can make it hard to hear the game.

Yes, my perfectly healthy friend slaving away at your blog post with coughing in the background, I feel your pain. And I will definitely be there for you when you get kicked out to the doghouse. As long as you don't get sick too.