Sunday, February 7, 2016

baby food

I started writing posts for The Complete Guide to Everything in 2004,1 back when it was still somewhat socially acceptable for a heterosexual male to write stuff not related to computer science or startups or design and not be considered self absorbed. That time has long since passed, so let me branch out a bit for this post, and target the main blog-reading audience that still exists.

Dear mommy bloggers,

It sure is easy to save money on baby food. You'd be a fool not to! Here are some quick and easy steps.

  1. Don't buy that baby food in a packet. It's $1.50 on sale, and it is only a magical concoction of healthy things for your baby to eat that will help him grow and be happy, packaged in the most amazing invention since pre-wheel.2 Be dissatisfied that it's not cheap. Everything should be cheap.
  2. Decide to make baby food yourself. This is a good idea.
  3. To make similar-quality food, go drop by the store and pick up a box of raspberries for $5, and a banana for $.29. So you're already ahead. And a sweet potato for $something.3
  4. Buy a re-usable packet on Amazon. You can get six for $17, and at least four of them will work.
  5. Wait for your baby to get hungry.
  6. Instead of instantly opening up that magical device and dispensing food, hurriedly make yourself some baby food. It's easy! Especially easy to do while holding a crying toddler.
  7. Mash up that food and stick it in the packet, spilling at least half on the floor.
  8. Your baby will eat about a quarter of it and then out of anger that it is not real baby food, squeeze it out all over your bed where you foolishly brought him like a sucker.
  9. Clean the mixing bowl, floor, clothes, bed, and son.
  10. Throw away the "reusable" packet, those things are uncleanable.
  11. Go buy more baby food.

1. Maybe it was 2003? I dunno, the point is I'm too old to remember things. I hand write my own HTML and I long for a good RSS reader. Now get off my lawn you darn "Millennials".
2. It's basically on the same level as fire and exchangeable currency.
3. This is the part where you realize you can never trust someone who works for Google to quote you food prices.

3 comments:

brittney perry said...

wait - you forgot the substep after every single step where your very beautiful wife tells you you're doing it wrong :)

Meredith said...

You let him eat on your bed?!?!? We strip ours naked to eat. We should probably strip naked too...I'd rather have family bath time than do any laundry ever :)

Robert F. Crocker said...

You'll even find several health and beauty remedies perfect for the pregnant or nursing mom pack and play by thebabyguides