Sunday, March 27, 2016

things you must buy before having children

It's 8PM on a Sunday night: the kiddo is down and my level of work backlog hasn't quite reached ox-in-the-mire proportions, so you know what that means folks: it's time to dispense with more infinite wisdom.

"Oh what, random stranger," you say, "could you possibly enlighten us with this evening?"

Well, I'll tell you what. Being the father of approximately 1 and three quarters children, I am the world's expert on them. I routinely get the chance to insert myself in conversations with childless co-workers and friends and deftly steer the conversation to me and my knowledge of children. Just last week I had dinner with two people who are obviously smarter than me in every way, and I got to pretend like I knew more than them because they only had two thirds of a child, which, if my math is right, is less than my 1.75.

With that in mind, and before you start inching away slowly looking for an exit like everyone else, let's talk about the things you need to buy to prepare for having children.

1. A carseat

This is a gimmie. Protip: visit Babies R Us and they let you test all of the carseats in your tiny tiny ant automobile that you bought when you sold the truck in preparation to start a family, and then NEGLECTED TO INCLUDE THE ABILITY TO FIT A CARSEAT in your EXTREMELY LONG and "thorough" analysis of a car to buy. Good job Stanford grad! You're officially a moron. But don't worry, they carry exactly one carseat that fits. You found your choice!

2. Puppy pad

This is a good idea because you know, your kid might have a diaper rash and need some time outside of his diaper. Oh yes, there's absolutely no way he'll roll off of it, or emit high velocity and distance projectiles. Which leads me to...

3. Carpet cleaner

I guarantee you one thousand percent if you don't have it offhand, you're going to be dispatching one of you to Safeway one night when your kid poops through your carpet, rug, drapes, you name it.

On an unrelated note, we really love visitors at our house! Please, make yourself at home on the couch or rug. Stop by any time.

4. Earplugs

HAHAHAHAHAHA WHO ARE YOU KIDDING YOU ARE DOOMED, DOOMED I SAY! Earplugs can't stop the decible level you're about to hit my friend. YOU'LL NEVER SLEEP AGAIN YOUR KID IS GOING TO CRY THROUGH YOUR EARDRUM. ALL IS LOST YOU GULLIBLE LITTLE MONKEY HAHAHAHAHAHA.

Maybe earplugs for your guests though, so you can pretend like you were trying to help them when your kid keeps them up from two AM through noon. "Oh gosh, did my kid just wake you up, oh I'm so sorry I have no idea what that feels like every day for a year. It must be hard to lose a few hours sleep approximately every transit of Venus".

5. A Muzzle

A muzzle so you shut up whenever your childless co-workers complain about being tired because they were up too late reading a book or some other absurd luxury.

Let me tell you something about people who don't have kids: they don't care.

They don't care one cent about the sweat and misery that goes into raising kids. Nope, not one bit. I know because I used to not have kids. Someone complaining about not getting sleep is like complaining about a blind date going poorly. IT IS TOTALLY PREDICTABLE AND EXTREMELY PROBABLE THAT IT WILL GO BADLY.

So shut your mouth. Your childless co-workers couldn't care a single bit, and it just makes you look like a whining sissy in front of your co-workers with children.