Wednesday, May 18, 2016

action heroes

Due to pregnancy-induced misery, my wife and I have watched a few movies over the past few months. This is the part where I usually tell people we don't own a television in order to win more hipster points and appear better than you, but I'll refrain from doing that just one time.

Movies these days are totally unrealistic. Take, for instance, action movies. They routinely pit some highly-trained single dude against legions of henchmen in situations where the odds are stacked horrifically against their favor, but they always squeak out victory. This is obviously unrealistic, because everyone knows that single men can't possibly do any of the tasks portrayed in the movies. Only fathers have the training and skill set necessary.

Let's go through each skill in detail:

Silently entering the enemy base and avoiding detection

Who is quieter than a dad after their child is asleep? I swear to you, you cannot even hear the breath out of our nostrils when our kids are down. We move around the house in total silence like freaking ninjas: cooking, cleaning, brushing our teeth IN ONE HUNDRED PERCENT TOTAL SILENCE. No way we could do that when we were single. We've had YEARS of training at this point, and are way better than any action hero. I'm even TYPING in total silence right now.

Manipulating a sleeping guard

What's harder than moving your baby from the carseat to the bed WITHOUT HIM WAKING UP?? NOTHING. Nothing is harder than that. Adults are fat sleepy creatures and you can get the handcuffs on that guard no problem. Try moving an entire human being around and see what happens. Nothing happens because fathers are magical fairies and they have the touch of tinkerbell wearing slippers.

Car chases

Anyone can swerve to avoid bullets, but try entertaining a child who is in a car seat facing away from you while you're in rush hour traffic in the bay area. I don't want to say that we have the worst drivers in America, but we have the worst drivers in America. Single dudes just swerve around in their Tesla like it's nobody's business, but fathers have to do all of that while driving some crappy car that they don't care about getting puke all over while a hotbed of terror is exploding behind them.

Going without sleep for long durations

The action hero is always on the move, never sleeping, never tiring, and that is just baloney. Every single dude I know sleeps like ten amazing hours every night and they wake up to happy birds chirping. Put them in an action situation they're going to be calling time out for a nap. But a father? I went three days on three hours of sleep when my son was born and my wife got less and NBD FOLKS NBD. If you need someone who can drive that car from New York to LA in complete silence while getting shot at by attack helicopters, you call up a dad and they'll be like 'yo only 41 hours straight and then I can actually sleep without someone spitting on me? no problem, sign me up bro'.

Diffusing the bomb

There's always the scene where some explosives need to be handled very gently, or possibly diffused through a terrifying scene where the hero has to very delicately open the bomb and navigate the triggering mechanism without disturbing anything. That's easy! They even have a countdown clock! The bomb isn't an already-exploding live human kicking and screaming and doing everything in its power to get off of the changing table and spread poop as far as possible. No way a single dude can handle that bomb. Enlist a father, and he'll have a system for keeping the child under control and delicately wiping off the writhing body with nary a drop of poop misplaced. Situation diffused.

Crawling through raw sewage

Every time one of those scenes come up I just laugh because no way a single dude is going to do that. He's going to go back and cry in his shower where he doesn't get interrupted a thousand times by a kid who wants to come play in the water and point out daddy's bum. Not only have fathers already smelled all of the noxious smells of the world, I have literally held crap in my hands today and we routinely deal with disasters coming out of both ends of those terrors, so put a daddy in that sewer line and he'll be like, 'oh it must be a day that ends with a Y'.

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That all said, this is redundant, because my dad is already an action hero. He plucked me and my sister from the ocean at the same time to save us from drowning, he ran so fast his shoes melted off of his feet and jumped on a neighbor's roof with a single bound and saved their house from a fire, he routinely brings people back from the dead, including himself after his heart literally stopped for several minutes, and he spent his younger days in the Green Berets jumping out of airplanes and then working several jobs at the same time where his record is working a 140 hour week (was it 150 dad? I was too blown away to remember which).

So, Hollywood, stop trying to get us to believe absurd things. Start casting fathers of 2, 3, and even 4 in your action films, and it'll be a lot easier for me to believe when they can do anything. And a happy early Father's day to you all.