Monday, September 5, 2016

going to church with kids

Sundays are a special day with kids, they're the day that are the exact same as Saturday except instead of spending the entire day bowing down to the will of a toddler, you spend the entire day bowing down to the will of a toddler while trying in vain to imbue a sense of the divine into the little hellion.

Going to church with kids is one way we attempt to develop the inner moral code of our children. Success at that task is measured over decades, not the half hour you actually spent at church because you fell into the mud while chasing your child outside, which then split your pants wide open, which resulted in a long walk of shame back to the van.

Remember when you were single, and wondered if you were appropriately spiritually centered, or getting what you needed out of church? Just wait until you spend the entire meeting trying to keep a toddler from playing every single piano in the building, or set up every single chair in every single classroom per his endless demands.

Going to church with kids is easy because look how easy it is for everyone else. Their toddler is casually listening to the speaker while taking notes in her own baby's set of scriptures. Your kid is plastering sticky grapes all over the pew because of something you've done wrong. The other toddler is casually grasping her daddy's hand saying, "father, might we visit the loo? I'm afraid I've soiled myself." and yours is desperate to stick his hand in his diaper and is yelping "home! home! home!" during the prayer as you pull it away.

Going to church with kids is the right thing to do. Everybody needs spiritual rejuvenation, and what better way to get that than placing a human tornado next to a bag of fish crackers and hoping for the best? Oh yes, you'll definitely be listening to this talk.

Going to church with kids is a good idea, because you'll get to listen to spiritual insights from people who have really thoughtfully considered deep moral issues, and you probably won't get stuck with your kid screaming in the gym, and the only messages you get to hear are the lame starter joke from the youth speaker, and then your son will calm down just in time to be very quiet and reverent during the entire talk of the resident racist.

Sundays are a special day, and if you feel disheveled and discouraged at the end, don't worry, another one will be here in six more days.


Bruce said...

This phrase alone was enough to make reading this worthwhile: "lame starter joke from the youth speaker". Why must they use those things? WHY?

Also, in our ward every youth speaker starts off with "For those of you who don't know me, my name is ______". O RLY? You mean your name hasn't changed since the bishopric member introduced you by name 15 seconds ago? Or maybe you mean that your name is actually something else for those who DO know you? I'm always left a bit puzzled.

PS the cracker tornado part is pure genius.

MommaMcCarthy said...

Just wait. You might think it gets better once they get to, say, 9. But no. Now it's just more embarrassing when they are making loud sound effects for their Lego mini-figures (which you though you had already confiscated) they have stashed in their scripture case. Those darn things have so many pockets!!

Or when your 7 and 5 year olds start yelling at each other about who gets to lie on mom's lap for a back scratch. One time, my 5-year old actually SLAPPED my 7-year old in the face. like, LOUD. I've never even seen her do that at home!

Indeed, church really seems to bring out the best in my kids.