Thursday, June 6, 2019

colonoscopies

A lot of people ask me,1 "Hey, cperry, how does one prepare for a colonoscopy?" And let me tell you, I never thought I'd have opinions on this subject, but brave reader, I assure you I do. Now.

When I told my coworkers that I'd be out because I had a "medical procedure" they all took that to mean "surgery", and hey, I'm okay with that, because the last time colonoscopy came up in a work context, it was good old Jay posting his on Facebook. I don't know why congress didn't start investigating Facebook for autoplaying that monstrosity when I scrolled through, but I guess they're used to dealing with crap.

There are three common methods of colonoscopy prep.

1. GoLYTELY

This method involves drinking your body weight in a liquid with the consistency of warm vomit. As its name implies, you will be up all night long with violent diarrhea. This is especially fun to do the week after your wife gives birth. You're not sleeping anyway, so why not not sleep and poop at the same time? Your new daughter will love the sounds and smells of her new life.

2. MiraLAX

This method involves ruining gatorade for you forever. As its name implies, you will spend the evening prior and morning of your procedure hovering over the toilet with violent diarrhea. Protip: do NOT schedule meetings on the morning of your procedure. YOU WILL REGRET THIS.

3. Give up on all of your hopes and dreams

Oh sorry, there are just two methods of preparation, and the third is required for both.

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking: how could I too enjoy doing this twice? Well, let me tell you, you don't have to stop at two! If you first start your medical journey with an incompetent physician, you could also get a colonoscopy lite, or sigmoidoscopy. This involves similar but much more invasive prep,2 but with none of the actual value. It has the added benefit of being administered while you are awake, so you can enjoy the feel of the metal as it prods out of your stomach, kind of like how the people in Alien felt. It will quickly be followed by an actual, and I never thought I'd say this, more enjoyable colonoscopy.

In sum, choose the MiraLAX, fire your sigmoidoscopy-suggesting doctor, and lay back and enjoy the anesthesia. Maybe it'll help you forget the past and prepare for your next "scoping".

1. Are you new here? People don't ask me anything, they desperately slink away at parties when I get to my opinions on ranked-choice voting.
2. This is when I learned Enema isn't just an aging white rapper.

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